Once Upon a Time on Crack
by killthepain62
Summary: My two friends and I who watch Once Upon a Time and love it btw. However we love to make fun of the problem's in this show so in each episode we make fun of certain issues. We are starting with Season 3 Episode One. This is meant to be in good humor, please take lightly.
1. Episode 1

So this is something my friends and I came up with for laughs. Please comment if you find this funny or have the same issues we do.

Ava=Me, Sabre=Nicole, Juliet=Asia

~ = episode/location, `=action

* * *

~Episode 1~

~On the ship~

Snow: What did you do?

Regina: Well she wasn't going to help us.

`Switch Scene to Hook and Charming then Switch Back`

`Snow punches Regina`

Sabre: Hold up, hold up! Where the fuck is the mermaid?

Regina: I beg your pardon?

Sabre: You heard me! Where is the mermaid you just turned to wood?

`Regina looks over to the empty deck`

Regina: Maybe she fell off the ship we're in the middle of the storm.

Juliet: That's not likely. I mean if she was solid wood, which I assume she was, she would be far too heavy to slide to the side off the edge of the ship.

Ava: Not to mention the railing on the ship it too high for her to fall over.

`Juliet and Ava look over the side of the ship`

Juliet: If she was also made of wood, wouldn't she float?

Regina: Well then how should I know where she went?

Sabre: You turned her into wood. You are the only magic user on board. Where is the mermaid!?

Hook: Love I don't think-

Sabre: WHERE IS THE MERMAID?!

~Henry and the Goons~

`Henry runs into the forest and shadow runs off with Greg's shadow`

Juliet: What does he do with those shadows?

Felix: How should I know?

Sabre: Your Pan's right hand man aren't you?

Felix: So?

Sabre: Shouldn't you know where it goes?

Felix: I don't know everything.

Juliet: What does it feel like?

Felix: Do I look dead to you?

Ava: Sometimes…

~Henry Meets Pan~

`Pan and Henry hiding in the bushes`

Ava: You do realize that this is Pan right?

Henry: What?

Sabre: Yeah…

Pan: What on Earth makes you say that?

Juliet: The fact that you are conveniently there and the lost boys who know every inch of this island magically can't find him even though they are literally six feet away.

`Sabre and Ava nod`

Pan: That, that doesn't mean anything.

Ava: Yeah sure. Pan, someone who the dark one fears, can't find a boy on his island.

Juliet: Speak of which, why do you kidnap little boys? That is so creepy.

Pan: What?

Sabre: Can you say pedophile?

Pan: What? No! That's just gross!

`Sabre stares eyeing a branch behind Pan`

Ava: You have to admit Pan it looks suspicious.

Pan: That's no reason to assume that I-

`Sabre whacks Pan on the back of the head`

`Juliet and Ava watch Henry make a run for it`

Pan: You stupid girl. Do you know who I am?

Sabre: You're Peter Pan.

Pan: I am also the most powerful magic user on this island.

Sabre: Then you would know…Then only you can answer my question…

Pan: What?

`Sabre points the branch in Pan's face`

Sabre: WHERE IS THE MERMAID!?

Juliet: Oh my god…


	2. Episode 2

~In the Jungle~

Emma: We should listen to Hook. He's been here before.

Prince Charming: Alright

`Not Two Minutes Later`

Prince Charming: Well I'm going this way.

Sabre: Wow. Really?

Prince Charming: What?

Juliet: You just said let follow him he knows where he's going and now you want to go against what he says?

Prince Charming: Well Hook is wrong.

Ava: Hypocrite!

Hook: You should listen to the lovely ladies, your majesty.

Prince Charming: Well I am going this way.

Ava: What a prima-donna.

Sabre: I can't wait to see how this turns out

`Two more Minutes Later…Looking over a cliff`

Sabre: What did I tell you?

Charming: It's Hook's fault.

Ava: Motherfucker…

Juliet: Now that's just rude.

`Sabre looks over at Regina`

Regina: What?

Sabre:…mermaid…

`Regina slowly backs away`

~Rumplestiltskin in the Jungle~

Rumple: Belle?

Juliet: How are you here?

Belle: I'm a figment of his imagination

Sabre: The Dark One is seeing hallucinations?

Ava: Well everyone on this island is fucked.

Juliet: But you look so real.

Belle: Rumple just has a good imagination.

…

Ava: I'm not going there…

Juliet: Me neither.

Sabre:…Can you tell me where the mermaid went?

~Regina Magic Addict~

`Regina takes the map'

Regina: Let's use magic to find Pan

Ava: Because magic solves everything doesn't.

Regina: As a matter of fact it does.

Sabre: Can it bring back your dead boyfriend?

Regina: …No…

Juliet: Can it poof Henry right in front of you?

Regina: No.

Ava: Can it bring back Hook's hand?

Regina: No.

Juliet: Can it tell me how your creepy family tree works?

Emma: What?

Sabre: Can it tell me where the mermaid went?

Regina: NO!

Hook: When are you going to let the mermaid go love?

Sabre: When something else sticks out like a sore thumb in this series.

Ava: My point is magic is useless.

Regina: Well it's all I know how to do.

Juliet: Well then you need to learn how to do something else.

Regina: I don't know-

Ava: THEN MAGICALLY GRANT YOURSELF SOME SKILLS YOU LAZY BITCH!

~Attack On The Camp~

`Pan reveals he is disguised as Henry`

Ava: Pan! Why are you wearing Henry's clothes?

Pan: To scare his family.

Ava: No offense, but if you're wearing Henry's clothes…What is Henry wearing?

`Juliet and Sabre are waiting to hear Pan's answer`

Pan: It's just a little glamour.

Emma: Answer her question!

Pan: He's not…I'm not…QUIT INSINUATING!

Sabre: Then stop setting yourself up.

Pan: I am not setting myself up!

Juliet: Pan you are surrounded by boys that you stole! How do you not set yourself up?

…..

Pan: I rule this island!

Ava: Well we are three teenage girls. I know you haven't seen a girl in the last twenty eight years, Peter.

Pan: What is your point?

Sabre: You're not that young, Peter.

Pan:…You're sick…

Juliet: We were thinking the exact same thing about you.

Pan: I will not be subjected to-

`Sabre whacks him with the branch`

Juliet: What was that for?

Sabre: Being creepy.

~Excalibur~

Snow: You lied to me.

Charming: I did it because I love you. You needed to believe in yourself.

Snow: I love

Sabre: So you lied to her?

Charming: Yes.

Juliet: And it cost her the only heirloom she had left of her mother?

Snow: Well he meant well…

Ava: And it cost you something precious. Just for wasting his time.

`Ava looks over to Charming`

Ava: Couldn't you have at least said it was the bitchy blue fairy's idea?

Sabre: No kidding.

Juliet: Would have saved everyone a little grief…

Snow: I don't mind I love him for what he had been trying to do.

Juliet: But he lied!

Sabre: He made you lose your necklace!

Ava: Twilight anyone!

`Deer passes by in the background`

Ava: DEER!

`Ava follows after it`

Sabre: Better go with her

~Emma Finding Out Who She Is~

`Emma crying after confessing that she is an orphan`

Ava: No crap.

Sabre: We already knew that. Tell us something new.

Juliet: Sorry Charming. Sorry Snow.

Ava: Emma, have you noticed when you cry your eyes turn one whole shade of green?

Emma: No…

Ava: Well it creeps me out!

Sabre: Hey Emma. You can use magic right?

Emma: Yeah. Why?

Sabre: Tell me-

`Hook covers Sabre's mouth`

Hook: No more, love. Please…

`Sabre attempt's to lick his hand to get it off`

Hook: Come on love. Not in front of the children.

`Sabre's eyes widen`

Ava: No you don't Casanova!

`Ava grabs ear and pulls him away from branch wielding lunatic`

~Neal Tries to Go to Neverland~

`His dad's castle`

Neal: Emma's in Neverland

Juliet: But for some reason they think you are dead.

Neal: What?

Sabre: Yeah we don't really understand that either.

Juliet: I mean it was a slim chance that you would make it out alive, but apparently all the slim chances they have had so far doesn't apply to you.

Sabre: Considering that this is a fairytale land that is pretty harsh.

Juliet: Where's Ava?

`They spot Ava talking with Robin Hood`

Sabre: AVA!

`Ava turns to reveal Robin signing a piece of parchment`

Sabre: Really?

`Ava's eyes narrow`

Ava: Shut up…


	3. Episode 3

~Blue Fairy Murder~

`Blue Fairy Disowns Tink`

Sabre: WHO'S SIDE ARE YOU ON REALLY?!

Blue: I beg your pardon?

`Sabre grabs Blue Fairy and begins to crush in her hand`

Sabre: You have to work for either Hitler or Darth Vader because nobody is this cruel. Not even Rumple or Regina. Even they would have killed her, but you have to let her suffer for trying to do a good thing.

Ava: If you really think about a lot of your problems would have been solved if you had just let her help. Think about it. Evil queen finds happiness and no more problems…in this kingdom anyway.

Juliet: There is still that issue with King George next door.

Sabre: Also your outfit sucks! What are you? A floating jelly fish? And how much bigger can you get your tits to be? Really?

`She begins to squeeze life out of said fairy`

Blue: I'm just being a good fairy.

Juliet: No you're not. You're a bitch.

`Sabre kills fairy which resorts in a fairy dust explosion`

Sabre: Eww. I got fairy dust all over me.

`Sabre begins to float towards the sky`

`Juliet and Ava grab a hold of her ankles and walk with her floating above them`

Ava: You look like a balloon.

Sabre: Shut up!

~Marian?~

`Still in Rumple's Castle`

Robin: Then after having our son she fell ill.

Juliet: THIS MAKES NO SENSE.

Robin: I beg your pardon?

Sabre: You steal a wand to heal your beloved while she was pregnant with your son.

Ava: Then after she gives birth she gets sick. Is magic like immune to pregnancies or something?

Juliet: IT MAKES NO SENSE.

Ava: Maybe it was temporary because he didn't pay a price for the magic, he just stole it.

Sabre: No we all know why she died…To make room for Regina.

Ava: Stupid writers.

Sabre: Now she can move in. Low and behold a single man with a child. Have you ever noticed that whenever Regina gets into a relationship where there is no child attached to the man it usually goes wrong?

Ava: Well she married Snow's father.

Sabre: Touché

Juliet: THAT ALSO MAKES NO SENSE!

~Dying Prince~

`Prince Examines Wound with Hook`

Sabre: Okay that looks pretty nasty.

Juliet: Our condolences.

`Ava starts laughing`

Charming: What is so funny?

Ava: Hook is the only one who knows and you don't want your family to know. You are a dumbass. You gave the pirate a way to blackmail you, moron.

Sabre: My thoughts exactly.

Juliet: Which part?

Sabre: The dumbass part…and the black mail thing too.

Ava: I'm knocking this back to karma. Because you were an asshole to him earlier in the series and now you have to do what he says because you want to hide the fact that you are dying.

Charming: Well who else was I going to tell about it?

Sabre: Tell no one, ball up, and take it like a man, you wuss. Even the mermaid was manlier than you. She took the secret of that storm to…WHEREVER THE FUCK SHE ISNOW!

~Mulan~

`Mulan hugs Aurora`

Sabre: Woah! Woah! Really? Really? This is where the show is going?

Juliet: I thought she meant Phillip!

Sabre: So did I!

Juliet: I mean they found Aurora together! I figured it was them!

Ava: I saw this coming…

Juliet: What?

Sabre: You lie!

Ava: Think about it. She spent more time with Aurora. Mulan was also more cut when Aurora went into that sleeping realm than when Phillip was taken by the Specter. Mulan was also obsessed with protecting Aurora; personally I think she used it as an excuse. Also this show had to thrown in a more modern day dilemma.

Aurora: "I'm pregnant."

….

Ava: Didn't see that one coming…

Sabre: THAT THROWS YOU OFF?! A BABY?

Juliet: Yeah pregnancies in this show aren't that shocking.

Ava: Neither is using homosexuality to expand the demographic.

~Desperation~

`Tink's house with Charming and Hook`

Charming: Does she keep her dust here?

Hook: Not likely, Mate.

`Charming continues looking`

Sabre: Can you say desperate?

Ava: I'm sure he can.

`Charming…still looking`

Juliet: If he keeps this up his family will surely notice.

Charming: NO THEY ARE NOT!

`Snow comes up the ladder`

Snow: They aren't what?

Charming: Nothing.

Sabre: Liar.

Ava: This isn't going to help you in the long run.

Juliet: Nope…

~Meet TinkerBell~

Tink: Hook…

Hook: Tinkerbell…

Ava: Did you sleep with her too?

Hook: What on earth would make you think that, love?

Sabre: We know you did.

Hook: But you have no proof.

Juliet: But you're saying you still did.

Hook: I have never been caught before

…..

Sabre: Who in the hell wants to be caught doing that?

~Robin Hood Reveal~

`Regina looks in the tavern window`

Ava: Which one is it?

Regina: The one with the lion tattoo.

Ava: Like a lion's head?

Regina: It's a leaping lion on a black shield.

…..

Ava: No - it couldn't be.

Juliet: Do you know who it is?

Ava: Nah, it couldn't be. There is no way in hell!

Sabre: This show is mostly predictable.

Ava: But they couldn't do that it goes against nature. It would border on Satanic!

Juliet: Alright…

`10 minutes later at Robin's Camp'

Robin: Welcome Mulan.

`Tattoo Revealed on Arm`

Sabre: Holy cow!

Juliet: Ava did you know?

Sabre: Ava?

`Spot her on the ground near the campfire`

Ava: They didn't! They couldn't! They wouldn't!

Sabre: THIS STILL MESSES WITH YOU MORE THAN MULAN!

Ava: …I want to go home now…


	4. Episode 4

~Henry is winning~

`Pan's Camp`

Henry: I can't hear it.

Ava: That's right Henry. Don't listen to him. You're loved.

`Ava hugs Henry`

Juliet: Give her a break. She is still hurting from the last episode.

`40 Minutes Later`

Pan: Can you hear it?

Henry: Yeah!

Ava: NO! Henry, why? Why?

Sabre: Calm down. Everyone with a heart is agreeing with you okay.

Ava: No fair, Pan!

Pan: Mwuhahahaha!

~The Cave~

`In Bae's cave`

Hook: He takes after his mother.

Sabre: How did he draw these?

Emma: I don't know. Flint?

Ava: Based on the rock formation flint wouldn't be able to draw on the rocks.

Juliet: Maybe he used chalk.

….

Sabre: Where did the chalk come from?! TELL ME!

Hook: You must be kidding me!

Regina: Where the hell did you come from?

Sabre: WHERE IS THE CHALK?!

~Beaches~

`Bae summons Giant Squid`

Juliet: NO! NO! NO! NO! GET THAT AWAY FROM ME! AAAAHHH!

`Juliet runs into the forest away from the squid`

Ava: Wow. Really?

Sabre: She doesn't like octopus or squid that much. They creep her out.

Ava: No kidding she ran into the forest without us. If she runs into Pan or the others how can she criticize without us there?

Sabre: We better go get her.

Ava: Well you're off the hook, boys. See you around.

~Rumple meets Bae again~

Rumple: You are real?

Bae: Why wouldn't I be?

Ava: Because a couple episodes ago your father went insane and could see the girlfriend he left behind in Storybrooke.

Bae: You're hallucinating?

Sabre: Yeah, that's problem. We thought that everyone else was fucked. Well now so are you.

`Juliet pokes the Lost Boys asleep on the ground`

Juliet: This isn't a sleeping curse is it?

Rumple: Of course not, dearie.

Juliet: Good because if it was they would need true love's kiss to wake them up.

Rumple: What is your point, dearie?

Ava: Think about it, Rumple. An island full of boys.

….

Rumple: That's twisted.

Sabre: Ya think!

~He's Not Dead Yet~

`Outside the Cave`

Emma: Neal is dead…

Juliet: NO HE'S NOT! WHY DO YOU ALL THINK THAT?!

Sabre: It's true. Emma just saw him slide into a portal. You don't know where he might have actually landed somewhere safe. Like the enchanted forest…for example.

Charming: The chances of that are slim.

Juliet: THAT DOEN'T MEAN HE'S DEAD!

Sabre: Weren't the chances of you finding true love slim? Or that your daughter would manage to find you after the curse? Or that you would manage to find a way home?

Charming: But this time it's different.

Juliet: HOW?!

`Ava leans in towards the crying Emma`

Sabre: Ava what are you doing?

`Emma looks at Ava and Ava jumps back, flailing`

Ava: Her eyes are doing that creepy one shade thing again.

~Evil Genius~

Bae: You mean you let me escape…

Sabre: Oh my gosh…You planned this. You planned everything. That's…oh wow. Pan, I almost regret hitting you earlier. You now have my utmost respect for you are truly an evil genius.

Pan: About time you saw things my way.

Ava: But he is still evil. Hence "evil" genius.

Sabre: You can still respect the villain.

`Juliet points at Pan`

Juliet: How did you know that Bae would end up creating Henry? How did you know that it would work?

Pan: Everyone has their secrets…

`Juliet's eyes narrow`

Juliet: I don't like you.


	5. Episode 5

We have two guest joining us this evening: Ninja and Necro (two friends of mine). Here is what they have to say about the series!

* * *

~Question~

Sabre: Why are all of the boys older than Henry?

Ninja: I think we have already established that Pan is a sick, sick little boy.

Pan: I'm not a little boy.

Ava: That's what makes it weird.

Necro: Shouldn't we be happy that they aren't smaller boys.

Sabre: Touché.

Felix: I don't appreciate the fact that there are more of you here.

Necro: Well deal with it.

~Don't Have to Apologize~

Pan: You never have to apologize.

Necro: Look at Henry's face it looks like you just got cotton candy or something.

Sabre: No need to be so happy about it.

Ava: That boy is bleeding…And no one cares!

Juliet: Of course no one cares he's a lost boy!

Ava: But he just wanted to sword fight with sticks. Every kid likes to do that. He didn't even want to fight Henry with a real sword.

Necro: What are you their mother?

Sabre: God I hope not. Because that means that your mother of the lost boys, which in turn means-

`Ava rips Henry's sword from his hand and pushes him away`

Ava: FINISH THAT STATEMENT AND I WILL KILL YOU!

Henry: Excuse me…Destined to save all magic here.

`Ava turns on Henry`

Ava: You're turning to the dark side! I don't give a shit what you have to say anymore.

Juliet: Is she insinuating that Henry is a Jedi?

Necro: An eleven year old doesn't need that kind of power. Remember what happened to Anikin?

~Cocky~

Charming: She's never going to like you.

Hook: Oh really?

Juliet: Challenge accepted!

Ninja: Well someone is cocky.

Necro: **Cock**-a-doodle-doo!

Ava: Better be careful about innuendos around here Necro, especially around him.

Hook: I like her.

Necro: Mmmmhm. That limbic system (for people who don't know that's the system of the body that regulates the hormones of our reproductive organs).

Hook: I beg your pardon?

`Ninja dies of laughter and others look on confused`

Ava: Positive side of being a science nerd is that it leaves people speechless.

Charming: Then if you're so smart why do you all sound so stupid.

`Everyone glares at Charming`

Sabre: Coming from the man whose only purpose in the series is to bring everybody else down.

~Rum~

Hook: I'll have no rum aboard my ship.

Juliet: The irony.

Hook: Rum means bad form.

Ava: That's a lie…you drink, but your form is impeccable.

Hook: Is that a compliment love?

Ava: Don't go there!

Hook: I'm simply asking you a question, milady?

`Ava blushes and backs away`

Necro: Don't worry, love, I got this…

Sabre: Is Hook actually a gentleman in this?

Ninja: Talk about unexpected.

`30 minutes later`

Hook: We're pirates!

Necro: Thank god. I thought he was going to be good for longer than episode.

Ava: Did you kill his brother?

Necro: That's the thing I didn't have to…

…..

Juliet: This concerns me…

~Really?~

Hook: Take it off.

Necro: That's what she said.

Charming: NO!

Hook: Show me.

Necro: That's what she said.

Ava: Enough! I will not allow this abuse in this fanfiction!

`20 minutes later'

'Pan and Hook are on the Cliff'

Pan: I want you to run your hook right through him.

….

Ava: That's what he said.

Necro: Not fair!

Sabre: Both of you shut up about that.

`Charming comes up the Cliff`

Sabre: Nevermind. Please continue.

~Dying Prince~

Charming: I love you guys.

Juliet: When did they start switching to Dave?

Sabre: Yeah did they get bored and shorten it?

Necro: It's shortened like his life….

Ava: Oooooooohh!

Charming: Are you guys this rude all of the time?

Sabre: Only on Sundays-

Ava: -and in front of idiots.

Regina: It's about time someone else figured it out.

Necro: You were included on that list of idiots too you know.

`Regina lights fireball in her hand`

Ava: I can see that you are still relishing in the addiction of yours…

`Ava dodges fireball and lights innocent tree on fire`

Juliet: This just proves our point because you just lit the island on fire.

Ninja: Way to go…

~Pedophile~

Regina: Candy?

Ava: WHAT IS THIS?!

Sabre: There is something so wrong with this.

Ava: I DON'T COME HERE EVERY WEEKEND TO SEE WEIRD SHIT LIKE THAT!

Ninja: Like that Robin Hood thing…

`Ava slowly curls into a ball`

Juliet: We don't talk about that anymore.

Necro: I think you broke her. Someone come help me.

`Hook tries to step forward`

Necro: Not you.

Hook: All of you preach about the others being fair, but you yourselves do not follow your own code. Explain that.

Ninja: She's heartbroken and you're a womanizer. Explain why we should let you near her in this state again.

Hook:…right. Come along Charming.

~Through the forest~

`Charming and Hook`

Sabre: Someone give that man a walking stick!

Ninja: No kidding they could make so much easier for all of them.

`Charming stumbles into Hook`

Ava: Ugh!

Juliet: What's the matter?

Ava: I'm just imagining all the fangirls who like to write about Hook and Charming being together. This whole scenario right here is like an unwritten love story waiting to happen.

Charming and Hook: WHAT?!

Sabre: Doesn't it disturb you that you know that stories like that exist?

Ava: Every day of my existence.

Juliet: How do you know about it?

Ava: Type 'Once Upon a Time' into the search bar. Go images. Keep scrolling. You'll see it.

….

Everyone: EEEEWW!

Ava: Like I said every day…

~Rumplestiltskinz name on it~

Sabre: The island is all bright.

Necro: Maybe it was before he was evil…

Pan: Don't say I didn't warn you.

Juliet: Pan is actually nice?!

Ninja: Shocking…

Hook: We are looking for dream shade…

Sabre: But that's the poison!

Ava: WAIT A MINUTE! I SAW THAT! THAT PARCHMENT SAYS RUMPLE'S NAME ON IT!

Ninja: This surprises you how?

Hook: Rumple? Who is Rumple?

Sabre: Dude trust me when I say you don't want to know!

~Poisons himself~

`Hook's brother is dying`

Sabre: What do 'Once Upon a Time' writers have against brothers?

Ava: What does it have against family, period?

Juliet: Are they? Are they a family really?

Sabre: Is that still and issue for you?

Juliet: Everybody is related to everybody one way or another. It's a giant orgy of people who all might be related to one another.

Hook: I need help!

Necro: Oh yeah! Um, whoops.

Ava: Shall we summon the devil spawn?

Sabre: Sure…

Everybody: PAN!

~Rips heart out~

`Regina rips out heart`

Ava: Ah!

Ninja: Uh…

Necro: Unh…

Sabre: He's a lost boy. He deserved it…

Juliet: That's harsh even for you…

Ava: I think she's just getting fed up of this island.

Ninja: Can't say I blame her. This is getting agitating. Someone needs to die or we need a new location. This is getting old here.

Lost Boy: Nobody gets old here.

…..

Necro: Did he try to make a joke?

Sabre: Shut up! No one asked you!

Ava: Hey Regina!

Regina: What?

Ava: Order him to eat his heart out!

…

Emma: Why?

Ava: I want to see if he will do it.

….

Necro: Okay I'm taking you home.

Ava: Happy Halloween Everyone!

~Bad luck~

`Henry breaks mirror`

Necro: You dumbass. You broke the only line of contact with your family.

Juliet: Well he is the grandson of Charming.

Ava: And the grandson of the Dark One.

Ninja: Can't help bad genetics.

Ava: The irony…

Sabre: They break everything. They break good endings, good characters, and ruin the lives of others. And they are in positions of power….HAHAHAHA! You know where this joke is going.

Pan: Why are you all here in my camp? Shouldn't you be bugging the others or something?

Necro: We like bothering you more.

Pan: Too bad I need to speak with Felix privately so if you don't mind….

Juliet: WE'RE GONE!

Necro: SO OUT OF HERE!

`Everyone heads for the woods`

Pan: NOT LIKE THAT!

~The Water~

Hook: You will have to stay on Neverland forever.

Sabre: He will be the next Pan!

Ava: So Charming has to stay in Neverland forever…Maybe he can take Snow with him.

Sabre: But I like her character when she's not around him. She's a badass.

Necro: Why do you guys make weird things weirder?

Juliet: This is a weird series so if we didn't make fun of it the show might seem normal.

Ava: It's better this way.

Ninja: Now the dwarves won't have to deal with him anymore.

Sabre: Grumpy says thank you to the writers from the bottom of his…what do you call it when they don't have a heart?

Hook: A hole, love.

Sabre: From the bottom of his hole- YOU SET ME UP FOR THAT ONE! COME HERE!

`Sabre chases Hook around the spring with her branch`

`Ava looks over at Charming`

Ava: Don't take this the wrong way, but I was personally hoping that you died…

~Making out~

`Charming runs into Snow White's arms and makes out`

Everyone: Ughhhh…..

Ava: Look at Regina's face.

Sabre: I can see why! I agree!

Ninja: I concur!

Necro: It's in front of their daughter!

Juliet: I'm not gonna think about it.

Regina: I wish I had another sleeping spell.

Sabre: I don't see why it's just an excuse to make out some more.

`More making out`

Everyone: Blah!

Regina: I was just hoping for a moment's peace.

Ava: Happy to see that happiness is still your version of cooties!

~Excalibur Part 2~

Charming: Hook saved my life…

Ava: You are so full of shit! You keep lying to everyone!

Sabre: You should just be happy he is all good with Hook now. It removes some of the conflict.

Ava: I don't take sides.

Necro: What about me?

Ava: Okay you, but last time I checked you don't lie like this.

Charming: No one has to know what really happened.

Ava: You are stranded on this island for the rest of eternity. In what way shape or form is that not going to be noticed by your wife and child!

Ninja: To be fair Emma doesn't give damn, so….

Emma: I do to care!

Juliet: Yeah, right!

Charming: I'm doing it for the right reasons.

Ava: DON'T GET HOLIER THAN THOU ON ME. I'LL WHOOP YOUR ASS!

~What we all saw coming~

`Hook makes out with Emma`

Juliet: NO! NO!

Necro: What's wrong with her?

Ava: Well the fact that Hook got it on with Henry's grandmother and is now trying to get it on with Henry's mother. It messes with her all the time.

Juliet: The romantic in me is not pleased.

Sabre: There is also the chance that Regina might be Neal's half sister which would make her Henry's aunt instead.

Ava: Let's not forget that if that were the case Henry is in some way related to Cora as well.

Necro: Doesn't that make Hook Henry's step-grandfather or something?

Ava: Ew…

Juliet: STOP! PLEASE STOP! I CAN'T TAKE IT!

Ava: She'll be bat-shit crazy before the season is over…

Emma: Is our family tree that convoluted?

Everybody: YES!

~Pan Reveals Secret~

Pan: Neal is alive.

Juliet: He was never dead. Why did everyone make that automatic assumption?

Sabre: You dumbasses.

Ava: Assuming makes an ass out of you and me.

Necro: This should come as no surprise.

Ava: Now Hook has to follow in Charming's footsteps and lie (because he will because it seems to be working for Charming), or make the proper choice to tell the truth and cock block himself.

Necro: Do you even know what cock block means?

Sabre: It doesn't matter. These characters should have known that this was going to happen.

~Second basket~

`Girls stare up at the two baskets`

Ninja: Who do you think is in the second one?

Juliet: I want to say Tink because it just seems obvious.

Sabre: But what about Ariel? She was in the preview?

Juliet: No way! I'm telling you it's Tink!

Sabre: Nah! If you said Rumple maybe, but not Tink.

Necro: I bet it someone new… Someone we aren't expecting!

Juliet: Like who?

Ava:…What if it's the mermaid we lost on Hook's ship?

Sabre: HOLY SHIT YES!


	6. Episode 6

~Concentrate~

Emma: You're a monster

Sabre: Ooohh!

Regina: Look…smoke…

Juliet: Ooohh!

Regina: Who is useless now?

Ava: Still you…

Regina: I'm training the 'Savior". All you three do is run around and criticize what we do… Isn't there something else you could be doing with your Sunday nights?

Ava: Well if you want I could bring the Walking Dead into this! I will summon a hoard of zombies! Let's see you survive this!

Juliet and Sabre: NO!

~Charm is weak~

Snow: There was a scuffle here while we were gone.

Ava: Are you basing all of this on a broken twig and some messed up dirt?

Sabre: You turned into the worst tracker ever! I swear once Charming came into your life you became so goddamned weak.

Charming: Excuse me?

Sabre: before you came along Snow was a tracker, a trader, a thief, and a total badass. Now if something happens to you what does she do she cries and says she won't live without you.

Ava: Still a better love story than Twilight…barely…

Emma: Hey! The fairytales are classics.

Juliet: That's good coming from you.

Emma: What are you talking about?

Ava: Don't make me bring up your mother-son relationship, princess.

~I'm a mermaid~

Ariel: Don't tell anyone… I'm a mermaid.

Juliet: Don't tell anyone…I'm black.

Sabre: No!

Ariel: I mean Eric doesn't know that I'm a mermaid. So don't tell him.

Sabre: NO SHIT!

Ava: I hate Regina, but she was right when she said he might not be happy when Eric found out she was a fish.

Regina: See. I am right.

Sabre: You aren't in this scene. Butt out!

`Sabre pushes Regina into the water`

Snow: But if they are truly in love it won't matter.

Ava: That's good and all, but could she state the obvious a little louder and a little more bluntly, please?

~Did you eat the egg?~

`Pan picks up the egg and begins to eat it`

Juliet: Did he eat that egg?

Sabre: Yes he ate the egg.

Juliet: Are you sure?

Sabre: Look at him. He's eating it!

Juliet: No he isn't. He didn't eat that egg…Did he?

Sabre: Does it really matter?

Juliet: Yes it does!

`Juliet rounds on Pan`

Juliet: DID YOU EAT THAT EGG?!

`Pan disappears`

Juliet: ANSWER ME!

`Ava looks over at Sabre`

Ava: Hanging out with you isn't healthy for her.

~Disappointment~

Ariel: That's him, but less wet; And more handsome…

Sabre: Not really!

Ava: No kidding. No offense to the guy, but the animated version still looks better.

Eric: Rude much?

Juliet: Don't take it seriously. You are still not as sad with what they did to Charming?

Ava: What did they do to Charming?

Sabre: He played Fandral in the Thor movie.

Ava: Which one is that?

Juliet: Here!

`Hands Ava her phone`

….

Ava: Wow.

Sabre: Thoughts?

Ava: Disappointed…

~The Shadow~

Regina: See who we are really dealing with.

`Shadow revealed`

Juliet: EEEWW! Rumple was going to make out with that.

Sabre: Didn't they kiss earlier?

Ava: No. That's when she was still just a figment of his imagination.

Juliet: That's still weird!

Regina: I can't believe you feel for that.

Juliet: I can't believe that this didn't weird you out.

Sabre: What are you talking about? Regina tried to restart a relationship with her long dead true love after he was turned into a zombie monster by Frankenstein.

Ava: Excellent point.

Juliet: That shadow is just so weird…

~Snow's Angry Face~

Snow: The Lost Boys.

`Girls run and cower by cave entrance`

Sabre: Look at that face.

Juliet: Oh! She is so mad right now!

Ava: I thought some of the screen shots of Rumple were bad. This is just fucking mortifying.

Sabre: Bet you money that if Hook had tried to tell her for him she would have thrown him over the cliff.

Hook: Like I would be stupid enough to do that?

Ava: You were stupid enough to kiss their daughter. Besides, why accept a bet I know I would lose?

Juliet: I don't know how that would have turned out, but quite frankly I think she might just be mad enough to push Charming down that pit.

~History~

Regina: We have history together.

Sabre: That's what you say every time you come across a new character.

Juliet: Exactly how many people's lives did you fuck around with?

Regina: I don't know. Lost count about a year into my reign.

Ava: Is that basically every fairytale known in existence.

Regina: No! I left Wonderland alone for the most part.

Ava: Except for that poor hatter!

Regina: Oh yeah almost forgot about him…

`Ava charge and stands in front of Regina for a moment before snapping her fingers'

Regina: What did-

`Midsentence Ava kicks Regina in the stomach and does a victory dance`

Sabre: I thought that you only used your Tae-Kwon-Do for self-defense.

`Turns on Sabre`

Ava: Don't make me defend my need for self-defense!

~The Box~

Sabre: WHO IS IN THE BOX?

Juliet: It's not Rumple.

Ava: It's not Eric, unless Regina is lying; wouldn't surprise me really.

Juliet: But what would Pan need a Prince for if he's not using him to control the mermaids?

Ava: Exactly. I still think its Tinkerbell.

Juliet: Since I know it's not Ariel now. I'm gonna say it's a surprise character, or someone new.

`Sabre begins to climb the tree`

Ava: What are you doing?

Sabre: I HAVE TO SEE! I HAVE TO KNOW! IT COULD BE THE MERMAID!

Felix: Will she ever get over that?

Juliet: Not likely…


	7. Episode 7

**Alright everyone! Ninja is joining us again tonight! YAY!**

* * *

~Change of pace~

Sneezey: Without them around we finally have some peace and quiet.

Sabre: So basically without the Charming's around everything is alright?

Grumpy: Shut up.

Doc: That pretty much sums it up…

Ava: That's mean…but so true.

Grumpy: Not another word out of any of you.

Ariel: Hello!

Ava: She said something…

`Grumpy stands up suddenly`

Grumpy: But I wasn't talking to her. WAS I?

`Ava jumps back flailing and puts her hands up in surrender`

Ava: Yeesh, someone woke up in the wrong side of the mine today!

Happy: He's just worried about them because he can't be there to protect them.

Sabre: Yeah because they are absolutely useless-

Grumpy: That does it! Get over here human!

Sabre: Nope!

~The Cage~

Juliet: It has to be Tink! There is no other way.

Sabre: I'm just glad that we finally get to see who it is! It has been driving me crazy.

Pan: Are you sure you weren't born that way?

Ninja: Big words coming from you…

Pan: What is that supposed to mean?

Ava: Well you are pedophile like…

Juliet: And creepy….

Sabre: And an evil, conniving genius…

Ninja: And you come equipped with your own sadistic sidekick.

Felix: I'm Pan's right hand man.

Ava: Literally his "right hand" man.

….

Pan: I'm beginning to think the only weird people on this island are you…

~Trust~

Ariel: How can I trust you?

Sabre: You can't.

Ava: That ship has sailed.

Ninja: Don't trust her, man.

Ariel: I am no man.

Regina: I'm beginning to think you want this to fail.

Ava: I don't want to see Henry go to the dark side!

Rumple: Then why are you here, hindering our progress?

Ava: Let me speak for everyone when I say at this point: We trust you more than we trust her. Okay? That's how bad this is right now.

Regina: He made me what I am today.

Sabre: We know. That's the scary part.

Regina: I bet they work for Pan.

Juliet: Eeeww. No!

Sabre: Oh yeah! What are you going to do about it?

Regina: Maybe I should turn you into wood…

Juliet: Oh no…

Sabre: MERMAID?!

~Hamburgers~

Granny: What's wrong? Not enough pickles? Too many pickles?

Sabre: I want pickles.

Belle: No it's fine. I'm just not hungry.

Sabre: Then can I have your pickles?

Archie: That the third hamburger you have turned down in a month.

Sabre: Then give me the fucking pickles!

Granny: Honey, you stay out of this.

Sabre: But I want some pickles.

Granny: Do you have any money?

Sabre: No.

Granny: Then no pickles…

Sabre: But she's not eating hers!

`Granny pulls out the crossbow`

Granny: You sure about that, hun?

`Ava, Juliet, and Ninja are sitting in a booth behind her drinking hot chocolate`

Ava: Let it go…Unless you want Granny to pull a William Tell on your ass.

~Belle the Helpful~

Belle: I want to be of some help.

Juliet: You already helped by placing the shield around Storybrooke.

Sabre: And saving that small town with Mulan.

Belle: But

~Confirmation~

Pan: Henry, come with me I have something to show you…

Sabre: Is he going to do something evil and sinister? I really hope so!

Juliet: I thought Henry could hear the flute?

Sabre: Only a little bit.

`Henry walks off`

Felix: What are we going to do with him?

Sabre: Maybe it's got something to do with the basket?

Juliet: But they haven't let us wonder what it is long enough…

Ava: Girls, girls, let us hear what the evil genius has to say for the grand master plan.

Pan: He may require some…effort.

…..

Sabre: He didn't!

Juliet: He did!

Ava: He just confirmed everything we have been eluding to in previous chapters.

Ninja: Just…no…

Pan: Don't you girls have anything better to do. I'm busy right now.

All of us: THAT'S SO WRONG! NO! UGH! EEW!

~Minnesota?~

Sabre: Of all places, why Minnesota?

Ava: Maybe they were trying to catch Bigfoot?

Sabre: That's along the North Pacific.

Juliet: Maybe it took a vacation?

Sabre: They don't look like there from Minnesota.

Ava: They work for Pan and they have a childish look about their faces that just creeps me out. Maybe it's Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum from Wonderland!

Juliet: There's something.

John: Would you please be so kind as to step away from the car?

Sabre: Why did you guys come from Minnesota?

Michael: None of your business.

Ava: Well if you intend for the town to stick to their own business it is my own recommendation that you change cars. Because bright red with the tail end missing and will surely get you noticed around here.

~The Kiss~

Hook: Emma and I shared a kiss, lad. I thought she told you.

Juliet: That's low, Hook.

Sabre: That's pretty harsh.

Hook: I'm just telling it like it is.

Ava: No you're telling it out of spite and jealousy.

Hook: You make it sound like that isn't my life.

Ava: I thought the point of becoming a pirate was a life of freedom. The ability to fight for what you want with whomever you want and do your best to live a life by your own rules! You are fighting for something that doesn't want you to fight for it? So why are you still fighting?

Hook: Love, if I had taken a shot of whiskey every time you said the word "fighting" I would barely be able to stand let alone fight.

`Ava flushes red with anger`

Neal: It would make my life easier. Any of you girls have whiskey on you?

Juliet: No. We are under age.

Hook: Really? You don't say? Well ladies-

`Ava slaps him across the face still red in angry`

Ava: Changed my mind fight for it. Let's see where…it…gets…you…

~Liar~

Snow: You lied to me!

Juliet: Jesus, why weren't you this mad when Charming lied to you about Excalibur and cost you your mother's necklace?

Sabre: Don't get me wrong we were hoping that you would forgive him in the end, but a little anger the first time would have been nice.

Ava: So Snow's character is imbalanced because when he lies about a sword and puts her in a life threatening situation it's all good, but god forbid if he lies about being poisoned.

Juliet: Is it supposed to show selflessness?

Sabre: It's showing that she's not human. There is no way no one doesn't get mad after losing something as precious as a deceased parent's heirloom.

Snow: You know something their right I should have been mad at you sooner. I didn't realize how much of a liar you are until today.

Juliet: Whoa! You're bending our words.

Snow: That's why I will be finding Tink's house with my new friends. Right guys.

Sabre: You're talking about the dwarves right?

Snow: No.

Ava: The Lost boys?

Snow: I mean you girls.

`The girls back away slowly and disappear into the night`

~Pirate~

Hook: I am a pirate.

`Gets really close to Emma`

Ava: Watch it there man. You do realize she just gave Neal his sword back.

Sabre: And that she almost killed you with it!

Hook: I will be fighting for your affections as well.

Juliet: He was just trying to flirt with us though…

Emma: Really?

Hook: Old habits die hard. And to be fair the lasses set themselves up for it.

Ava: Watch yourself, Hook.

Hook: One of these days love you will have to decide if you love or hate me.

Ava: Love the sarcasm and swordsmanship, everything else can walk the plank.

Hook: Right in the heart, love.

Neal: You mind backing away from Emma.

Hook: Does it bother you?

`Neal lifts of the sword`

Neal: It should bother you.

Hook: Yeah, well mines bigger.

`Ava hits them both on the back of the head`

Neal: What was that for?

Sabre: Ava doesn't feel comfortable about this anymore.

Emma: She ain't the only one.

~More?~

Sabre: Why are there three?

Juliet: Why are there so many shadows?

Sabre: Oh their probably the shadows of other people that Pan has collected over the years.

Juliet: Ok…I understand.

Ava: Well if they don't hurry up Hook and Neal will be joining those shadows.

Sabre: Oh yeah…that can be a problem.

Emma: Are you guy going to stand there or are you going to help me?

Ava: I just write us into the story. The actual story is your problem.

Emma: That makes no sense.

Juliet: Just like this series…

~Flame~

Neal: Regina taught you magic?

Emma: Yeah…

Sabre: Could you look a little sadder about catching the shadow?

Juliet: No kidding do you know how much of an achievement that is?

Ninja: The equivalent of an Xbox achievement?

Ava: Good one.

Ninja: Thank you!

Juliet: But you saw what those things did to Greg!

Sabre: Did you think it was going to be a walk in the park?

Ava: Maybe she was hopeful that Hook and Neal would both die and then her life would be like 100 times easier.

Hook: Could you be a little more cold, love? I think the frost didn't make it to the other side of the island.

~The Sister~

John: Pan is holding our sister captive.

Ava: TWO BROTHERS? ONE SISTER? IT'S WENDY!

Sabre: What?

Ava: IN THE OTHER BOX IT'S WENDY!

Juliet: OH MY GOD! IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE!

Sabre: So it's not the mermaid...Then where the fuck is she? I WANT TO KNOW NOW!

Juliet: But now you know the new problem right?

Ava: What?

Juliet: Well she and Neal were pretty close so…

Sabre: Are you saying Henry is going to be stuck with Neal's…leftovers?

Juliet: Agh! Why did you have to say it that way?

Ava: No joke. This is pretty messed up. The writers had better fix this with some death or clarification or something!

Juliet: My head hurts…

~Good Question~

Sabre: I have a question.

Ava: Okay. What is it?

Sabre: Where are the Indians on this island?

Juliet: That's a good question.

Ava: No one has mentioned them either. Odd…

Sabre: Where are they? They were in the Disney version and the book…

Ava: Bet you anything they had to cut the Indian portion of it to be politically correct.

Juliet: That or they were all too busy turning into wolves to eat sparkling vampires.

Ava: HAHAHAHAHA!

Snow: That's not funny being a werewolf is no laughing matter.

Sabre: Have you read or watched Twilight?

Snow: No.

Ava: Then you don't get it.

~Metaphorical~

Hook: We weren't fighting over the lighter.

Ava: Did you just use the lighter as a metaphor for your fight over Emma?

Hook: That was the implication.

Sabre: You two must be horrible considering that neither of you could…turn her on.

Ava and Juliet: HAHAHAHAHA!

Emma: That's not funny.

Juliet: Yes it is!

Ava: Well it's that or the: you couldn't light their wick joke.

…

Emma: The first one is fine.

Ninja: Sabre 1, Hook 0.

~Skull Rock~

Pan: There it is Henry.

Sabre: Cool! Skull Rock-

Juliet: AAAAHHHH!

Ava: What's wrong?

Juliet: LOOK AT PAN'S FACE!

Sabre, Ava, and Ninja: OH MY GOD!

Juliet: IT LOOKS LIKE HE'S HAVING AN ORGASM!

Ava: There is something so wrong with that face…

Ninja: I can never look at him the same.

Sabre: …Ugh…Ugh…Just no…

Juliet: I'm done! I'm done for tonight! Good-bye!


	8. Episode 8

~Reunion~

`Everybody points their sword at Rumple`

Sabre: Why do you even try? You can't kill him without his blade!?

Neal: Well he hid it so were going to our best.

Ava: You have daddy issues don't you, Bae.

Rumple: Leave him alone.

Ava: In fact I think all of you have dad issues.

Charming: Oh really.

Sabre: Well your mother sold your twin brother to a bitter king who became your worst enemy. Snow's father married the Evil Queen-

Juliet: Which technically makes Regina Henry's great-grandmother…ew…..

Sabre: Then Hook hates his father's guts for leaving his family. Regina, you murdered your father to finalize he curse.

`Everyone looks at Regina`

Regina: What? I was really mad at the time.

Sabre: Emma you have issues with both of your parents and we don't need to say much about that. Rumple your father left you and again not much to say about that.

(We didn't know what was in store for us later)

Tink: What about me?

Juliet: Do you have parents?

Ava: I always thought fairies were products of pregnant flowers.

`Everyone gives her a WTF look`

Ava: What?

~The Box~

Ava: OOOHH! Is Henry going to trap Rumple in the box?

Sabre: That would certainly be considered his undoing.

Juliet: Just as long as he gets Pan in the process. I want that weirdo gone.

Ava: And Felix! Don't forget Felix too!

Felix: Why are you dragging me into this?

Ava: After you were told to take care of Wendy you completely disappeared from the episode. Luckily Wendy was safe…

Sabre: But where the fuck were you?

Felix: That is none of your concern. After tonight Pan will be all powerful and immortal. There is nothing you can do to stop him.

Ava: Right lines to the wrong people, Honey.

Sabre: The Charmings are that way.

`Sabre points in a random direction`

Felix: You should fear Pan!

Juliet: Why? We aren't boys….

~Wendy on the island~

Ava: She's the only girl on the island.

Juliet: They were probably using her for other things.

Pan: Will you girls ever let up about this?

Ava: When we leave Neverland. For a place where all you have to do is believe I sure do wish something more interesting would happen.

Pan: Well things are about to become more interesting.

Sabre: Don't say that. It still sounds gross when you say that.

Juliet: Pan, what were you doing with Wendy?

Pan: Nothing you disgusting wenches.

Juliet: Then why was she the only one to have a bed on the entire island?

…

Pan: She was complaining so-

Ava: Liar.

Pan: She must have dreamed it up-

Sabre: Liar.

Pan: Maybe Felix-

Juliet: DON'T EVEN O THERE!

~Easy Button~

Rumple: Maybe there is more than one cure.

Sabre: The man with all the answers is standing right here!

Emma: I don't trust him.

Ava: Yeah, but the son he is willing to do anything for is in love with you. Therefore abuse your power and have him ask his dad for the cure.

Emma: That doesn't mean what he's telling us is true.

Juliet: But it will be because it will be something bad and he wants to get your goat.

Hook: What does livestock have to do with anything?

Ava: Don't jump into the middle of a conversation if you don't know what you're talking about. You have to eavesdrop like the Charmings over here.

Charming: We don't eavesdrop.

Sabre: BULLSHIT!

~Sleep Spell~

`Regina throws her hand up and the boys all fall over`

Ava: Well…that would have been awkward if one of the boys fell right into that large camp fire.

Sabre: That would have been funny.

Emma: That's horrible.

Ava: That is boredom.

Neal: You stay here when the boys wake up.

Ava: Why I think Hook and Tink should be getting the ship ready and no one should be here when the boys wake up.

Charming: I don't trust him on the ship. He might leave.

Hook: After everything we have been through you still don't trust me?

Ava: The point was to have Hook ready the ship and if he tries to leave Tink is there to distract Hook.

Tink: Distract how?

…..

Sabre: I see where that is a good plan!

Juliet: Horrible…but effective.

Hook: Are they all like this where you come from?

~The First~

Sabre: First time we saw Rumple use magic! Here and now!

Ava: Are they trying to connect Rumple's dad abandoning him to Rumple abandoning Bae?

Juliet: I think so…

Ava: It sucks. I mean Bae didn't know about Henry so he is in the clear. Rumple was a dick, but at least spent his entire life trying to save his son; until he tried to kill his grandson. Let's face we all know his dad is crazy and evil right.

(We still had no idea what was going to happen)

Sabre: I guess it makes sense considering that he was a natural at magic when he first got his powers.

Juliet: He did it to make cake appear. That's pretty cute.

Ava: Back before he stole necklaces, vaporized people's tongues, and threatened to skin his trespassers. Those were the good old days.

Rumple: You like some cake?

Ava:…You…are…too…cute! What happened?

Sabre: That's why we are here. We're going to find that out in this episode.

~Shadow~

Sabre: A shoe?

Juliet: Obviously.

Sabre: No I mean…why just the shoe?

Ava: Why? Were you expecting body parts? To be fair though that would be hilarious.

`Small Rumple cries at the base of the tree`

Ava: I'm sorry little guy. Come here. I'll hug you before you turn evil…

Sabre: You have the biggest weak spot for kids…

Ava: I can't help it.

Sabre: When the other guy got his shadow stolen at least there were more clothes left behind.

`Rumple's Father gets out of the tree`

Sabre: Oh…the Shadow didn't get him!

Juliet: Then why did his shoe fall off?

Ava: Were you trying to hit Rumple in the head with a shoe?

Sabre: He was probably hoping it would induce some kind of amnesia?

Ava: Or it was just going to mess him up even more than he is now.

Juliet: Like actually making out with his hallucinations of Belle?

…

`The group shudders`

~Shield Matrix~

Sabre: HAHAHAHA! Oh my god! Did she really just flip?

Juliet: HAHAHAHAHA! That was…That was….

Ava: HAHAHAHAHA! That was so dumb. It was like she was in the Matrix!

Emma: Glad to see you're enjoying yourselves.

Regina: Don't worry I've got this. Watch and learn.

`Regina hurls a fire ball at the shield which explodes`

Sabre: Woah! Did you see that?! It's like it exploded!

Ava: Fireball shrapnel? Interesting!

Juliet: Yes, but completely ineffective.

Regina: You were distracting me. Let me try again.

Ava: This time I want to see your eyebrows burn!

`Regina wheels around`

Regina: What was that?

`Ava smiles an Eat-Shit-Grin`

Neal: No let's not try that anymore.

Sabre: Thank god…

~Easier~

Juliet: Wouldn't it be easier to just move the clouds?

Regina: What?

Sabre: Rather than calling on Emma to help make and eclipse why didn't you just move the clouds in front of the moon by yourself?

Regina: Well I-

Ava: Because magic is useless!

Regina: Look, Little Miss Bitch and Moan. I don't need to hear you criticize what I do. I can do things you could only imagine.

Ava: So can the rock we are standing on? Your point?

Regina: I can take your heart out of your chest, I can turn you into stone, and I can make you wish you were in hell.

Ava: But for some MAGICAL reason Pan is immune to you and your magic.

Sabre: So were you just too stupid to think of moving the clouds on your own or are you just trying to show everyone your powers aren't that weak.

Juliet: You would only need it for a second to get through the barrier…

`Regina begins to throw angry fireballs at the girls`

Juliet: SORRY I ASKED!

~PAN!~

`Pan origins revealed`

Juliet: WHAT THE FUCK?!

Sabre: I called it! I called it! I knew it the minute they hit the island! I SO CALLED IT!

Ava: Why? I mean: HOLY SHIT, but why?

Juliet: WHY DOES EVERYONE HAVE TO BE RELATED?!

`Girls look over at her and worry`

Ava: Are you okay, Juliet?

Sabre: Oh yeah, I so saw this coming! In your face Pan!

Pan: We will see about that, little one.

Ava: He does have you beat there, Sabre. He's probably like 500 years old or something.

Juliet: THIS IS ALL SO WRONG!

Rumple: I know, dearie. I know…

Sabre: Why didn't any of you inherit his evil genius? It certainly would have helped.

`Rumple glares at Sabre`

Sabre: Just saying…it's better than being a Charming where you are all brawn and no brains.

~Evil~

Sabre: Well this explains everything. I now know why Pan is an evil genius: Pan is the "father" of all evil.

Ava: Cute joke, but I think Juliet is broken.

`Ava pokes Juliet who is petrified and a horror struck is stuck on her face`

Sabre: I guess the Pan reveal was to much for her. To be fair you were almost this bad when you found out about Regina and Robin-

`Ava covers her mouth`

Ava: If you want to live to see the Seahawks at the Super Bowl then you will shut your mouth…

Pan: It does my heart good to see that I can still have an effect on people.

`Juliet jumps up`

Juliet: THIS MAKES NO SENSE! THIS IS SO WRONG! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW WRONG THIS IS! YOU ARE THE FATHER OF THE DARK ONE WHO MAY OR MAY NOT BE THE FATHER OF REGINA AND IS THE FATHER OF NEAL. YOU KEPT YOUR OWN GRANDSON TRAPPED ON THIS ISLAND FOR YEARS ALL THE WHILE PLAYING A GAME OF CAT AND MOUSE WITH HIM. YOU ARE ALSO TRYING TO SACRIFICE YOUR GREAT-GRANDSON TO GIVE YOU EVERLASTING LIFE AND POWER! IF REGINA IS RUMPLE'S DAUGHTER THAT MEANS THAT YOU ARE ALSO HER GRANDFATHER AND FATHER IN-LAW TO THE DECEASED CORA! THIS IS SO WRONG!

Ava: I think that about covers it folks!

~Rumple is taken~

`Rumple faces Pan`

Ava: Henry is literally sitting right behind that rock and he can't hear a goddamn thing?

Sabre: Apparently not.

`Ava goes behind the rock to check and find Henry staring out into space`

Ava: What the hell are you doing?

Henry: I'm waiting for Pan. I'm going to save magic and Wendy.

Ava: That's great kid. Are you telling me you cannot hear your great-grandfather murdering your grandfather?

Juliet: It's not murder. He's not technically dead just locked away for eternity.

Henry: My family is here?

Ava: How dumb can you be?

Sabre: Don't take it too hard, Ava. After all he is a Charming!

~Peter Pan~

Rumple: Peter Pan is lost forever.

Ava: He named himself after the doll.

Sabre: That is actually pretty sweet.

Juliet: He did miss Rumple then…

Ava: Doesn't change the fact that he's a total dick.

Sabre: A huge jerk.

Juliet: A total dirt bag.

Pan: Are you ever going to shut up?

Ava: Why don't you die? Then you don't have to hear us again…ever!

Pan: I thought of my son everyday!

Juliet: Is that why you collected boys from various realms?

…..

Ava: Please…don't say anymore….

~MIA~

Juliet: Didn't anyone miss Rumple?

Sabre: Yeah. That's a good point.

Ava: Didn't any of you question where he went?

Regina: No we assumed-

Sabre: WHAT?! THAT HE WAS DEAD?!

Emma: No, but Pan might have destroyed him.

Juliet: Bet you guys that they are going to find the Box in the corner where Pan conveniently left it for them to find and naturally assume that Rumple is dead before finding a way to get Rumple out of it.

Sabre: That's how this show usually goes.

Ava: So we are all going to think Rumple is dead for right now.

Neal: He most likely is so there is no reason to think otherwise.

Sabre: Where do they come up with these characters?

~They Are Selfish~

Pan: They are just being selfish!

Ava: Um they are his parents of course they care.

Pan: They want to stop Henry from being a hero and making his own sacrifices.

Juliet: No they love him and want him to live.

Ava: Also your death would make their lives a heck of a lot easier. Including for Juliet because quite frankly you are a freak of nature in this fucked up family tree.

Pan: Well they just don't want Henry to stay on the island.

Sabre: Of course not. Charming was already stupid enough pull that trick. They don't need the son/grandson/great-grandson being stuck here too; or dying for that matter.

Pan: Henry they are just testing your strength.

Ava: No they want their son…thing back okay.

Sabre: We all still know he's going to make the wrong decision though.

Regina: How could you possibly know that?

Sabre: Because he is a Charming!

Regina…..True….

~Stupid~

`Henry gives Pan his heart`

Juliet: You stupid, naïve child!

Ava: I don't think he just realized he condemned the whole entirety of the universe.

Sabre: It's a pretty simple mistake considering what this family has done.

Pan: I'm all powerful and I am immortal.

Ava: Well so is this conversation! I'll be posting it on the web in couple hours. That shit is immortal and all powerful.

Sabre: Would you all please stop putting one hand on your son? It's not helping anything.

Emma: I just-

Ava: What? Need reassurance that he's dead?

Juliet: Shouldn't you be going after Pan or something?

Neal: Henry is more important right now.

Ava: But he's dead!

Emma: He didn't know any better!

Sabre: Well he is a Charming…


	9. Episode 9

**Alright everyone sorry this is a couple days late - I know it's an excuse, but I had a lab practical to study for so I hope you will understand. Here is the next addition, but there is also no Sabre here - she was at a meeting. Anyway here you go!**

* * *

~First Five Seconds~

`Emma charges Pan with sword in front of her`

Ava: Yeah because that is going to do a lot…

Juliet: And none of you are going to try anything to help? No? Just curious.

Emma: Where is gold?

Pan: You mean my son?

Emma: Rumple is your son?

Ava: No shit!

Juliet: You find out that Pan is related to Rumple, but you don't think of all the implications for Neal and Henry….WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!

Ava: You only now care about Rumple…You people all suck at the power of observation!

Juliet: Well they are Charmings…It's not the same without Sabre…

Ava: You can say that again.

~Oh really?~

Gold: Thanks, but I'm not interested…

Ava: He told you off!

Regina: That's not why I'm here.

Ava: Naturally, you didn't stand a chance.

Regina: Shut up, you little worm.

Juliet: I'm sorry, but I cannot engage in this conversation because everyone here knows that he had originally slept with your mother and wanted to have that child…

…..

Ava: You know exactly what to say to make the villain speechless.

Juliet: I'm not even trying it just sort of happens…

Ava: Yeah? Well it super effective!

Regina: You slept with my mother?!

Ava: Oops…

~New Mother~

Regina: He's all I have!

`Ava looks away from the Evil Queen`

Juliet: What's the matter, Ava?

Ava: Nothing.

Juliet: Then why don't you watch this touching moment?

Ava: You know why!

Juliet: Now say it!

Ava: When Sabre isn't here you have a sadistic streak. Did you know that?

Juliet: Just say it!

Ava: Regina is a caring mother! There I said it!

Regina: Would you mind saying it again I couldn't hear you.

Ava: Why don't you focus on your dying son, lady? I already gave you too much credit.

~Henry Dying~

Ava: Why does Henry get the only bed on the island?

Juliet: I wouldn't feel comfortable sitting on that thing. What has Pan been using it for all of these years?

Felix: Why do you think Pan is like that? He has a son, Rumple if I recall.

Juliet: Don't bring that up!

Ava: Just because he has a kid doesn't mean he isn't the creepy pedophile of the island.

Regina: Pedophile?

Ava: Lady where have you been all season?

Juliet: Everyone knew Pan was going to be like this from the minute we saw him!

Regina: Did he touch my son?

Juliet: You mean his great-grandson!

Felix: As if Pan would need something so human. All he needed was the heart of the truest believer and now his is immortal and above us all. He has Henry right where he wants him.

`Ava and Juliet look at the sleeping Henry on the bed`

Ava: GROSS! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST SAID THAT!

Juliet: Ewww…..

~Liar~

Emma: We are all getting off of this island.

Ava: No you aren't. Your father is still technically cursed so stop lying to the kid.

Juliet: Well they might have found a way out of it.

Ava: By bringing water from the waterfall home? That will last all of a couple months.

Snow: But it could work!

Ava: I don't really care if it works I just don't want her to lie to the kid.

Lost Boy: Why can't your dad leave?

Juliet: Because one of you hit him with one of your freaking arrows.

Ava: They saved him by giving him water from the forbidden waterfall, but now he can never leave Neverland.

Felix: See the wench lies!

Juliet: Shut up! Your just Pan's whore!

`Ava looks over at her in shock`

Ava: We need Sabre back pronto. You are turning to the darkside.

~The Doctor's Office~

Regina: What's wrong with him?

Juliet: DON'T LEAVE THE BABY ON THE TABLE!

`Ava runs over and picks up little Henry`

Regina: What are you doing? Put down my child down.

Juliet: You left him alone on the table! What if he had rolled off?

Regina: Babies can't do that.

Dr. Frankenstein: Yes they can.

Regina: Why didn't you say anything?

Dr. Frankenstein: I thought you were smart enough to figure it out on your own.

Regina: Why you-

`Little Henry starts laughing`

Regina: How do you do that?

Ava: It's a gift. I love kids. Of course it may help that I have so many little cousins in my family to practice with.

Juliet: Basically you are a cold heartless bitch that doesn't understand love.

Ava: Usually I would condone that kind of talk, but you are just vicious today.

~Pissing Contest~

Hook: Only if your plan holds together.

Ava: Really? She already told you both off and the pissing contest still continues.

Emma: They're **men**. What did you expect?

Ava: That they would be **men** and get over it.

Hook: You don't want men fighting over you love?

Ava: In the situation where: we are fighting a dark pedophile overlord, my dead husband has returned, my father is trapped here for the rest of eternity, and my son is in danger. Let me see – NO!

Hook: Well when you put it that way…

Ava: I had to tell you how to put it into perspective. That's sad considering that you are a Captain.

Juliet: You know that they are just trying to prove whose dick is bigger, right?

`Everyone looks over in shock`

Neal: Isn't she supposed to be the nice one?

Charming: Speaking of which where is that little devil?

Ava: At a meeting, but she needs to get her ass back here!

~The Box~

`Box is sitting on a rock`

Ava: Oh come on!

Snow: We need it.

`Snow is trapped by vines`

Juliet: Wow. Really, you three?

`Regina and Emma are also captured`

Ava: That was way too easy and you still fell for the trap. Sabre's right it has to be genetic.

Regina: Well are you just going to stand there or help get us out?

Ava: Nah, not really.

Juliet: We are just here to watch you fail.

Pan: Sounds like my kind of girl.

`Ava forms a cross with her fingers and backs away`

Ava: Aw hell no. Pedophile egotist, stay far away from me.

Juliet: Is there a stick around here somewhere?

Ava: Why?

Juliet: I want to hit him.

…

Ava: Five feet behind you.

~The Darling Boys~

Juliet: What?! They were going to freaking adopt Henry?

Ava: I would have loved to have been there to hear that story.

John: What does that mean?

Juliet: Don't play dumb. You know exactly what she means.

Michael: Like we care what you say. We're only worried about our sister.

Juliet: Because you have been doing an outstanding job.

John: What is that supposed to mean?

Ava: Well your sister has been trapped in a cage for several years with Pan, Felix, and the Lost Boys for company what do you think is happening?

…..

John: I don't know what you are insinuating, but you are-

Juliet: Don't lie to yourself. You know exactly what is going on.

Ava: Except for Regina apparently.

~Easy Button~

Regina: Now let's go save my son.

Ava: No offence, but that was way too easy.

Regina: You just can't admit that I did something good.

Juliet: Well you didn't listen to us the last time we said it was too easy.

Regina: That was Snow White being stupid as usual.

Snow: Excuse me.

Juliet: You triggered it about five minutes ago you aren't in the clear yet.

Ava: Pan just gives the heart without much struggle and you conveniently take the box. Either two things are happening here: When Pan has power he's a pussy or he has another plan to trap you. Pan, what's the answer?

….

Ava: Pan?

Juliet: I don't think he's going to answer you.

Ava: Oh my god. He's such a pussy!

~Actual Scary Moment~

`Pan has knife in hand in Hook's cabin`

Ava: Woah! Hey now!

Juliet: What is going on?

Pan: I'm here for Henry's heart.

Ava: And you just mastered the horror movie style of creeping.

Juliet: Would you mind putting down the knife though?

Pan: Why? Does it make you nervous?

Ava: Actually, yeah a little.

Juliet: Not really that dagger looks like plastic.

`Juliet walks up and takes dagger from Pan`

Ava: Wow. Did you just let her take your only weapon from you?

Pan: I let her have it to prove that it wasn't fake.

Ava: What a wuss…

~Biggest No No of All time~

`Regina opens Pandora's box`

Ava: You just opened Pandora's Box. That's like a big no-no right?

Juliet: It's not really Pandora's Box. Things should be spewing out into the world like unspeakable pain and suffering, but it acts like their personal portable prison.

Ava: Nice onomatopoeia.

Rumple: The reason why nothing else comes out is because it already released into your world.

Ava: How did that happen?

Rumple: I accidentally opened it…

Juliet: When?

Rumple: Somewhere in the year 2010 I reckon.

…..

Ava: I don't know how you do it, but somehow everything is your fault.

~What Just Happened?~

`Pan attacks Henry's shadow`

Juliet: What the fuck just happened?

Ava: I think they just switched bodies.

Juliet: No they wouldn't.

Rumple: Pan was weak and dying how could he have found the strength to do that.

Ava: The same way he was too weak to capture you or put up that shield or to use his powers of persuasion to make Henry hear that flute or-

Pan (Henry's Body): Alright you made your point.

Juliet: So are you alright?

Pan (Henry's Body): Yes.

Ava: No.

Juliet: Which one is it? Who are you? What is going on?

Rumple: Come on, Henry, let's go up deck and let this lady sort her thoughts, yeah?

Ava: Goddamn you all are stupid.

~Juliet loses it~

Pan (Henry's body): Pan never fails.

Felix: Pan?

Juliet: OKAY! WHO ARE YOU FELIX?! HUH? YOU RELATE TO THIS FUCKED UP FAMILY TREE SOMEHOW I KNOW YOU DO!

Ava: Juliet, you need to take some deep breaths.

Juliet: OR MAYBE YOU ARE PAN'S BITCH! I BET THE TWO OF YOU ARE FUCKING!

Ava: Juliet! Do you hear what you are saying? You sound like you are possessed.

Juliet: HOW DO YOU PLAY INTO ALL OF THIS?! DO HAVE PAN OR DOES HE DO YOU?! HUH?!

`Ava walks away from the yelling and sits next to Hook`

Hook: What is god's name is wrong with her?

Ava: I have no honest clue. Hold on one second. Attention all readers: The conversation that just occurred has been edited for content and I want to keep the rating safe. Therefore I cannot include all content of the conversation, thank you.

….

Hook: Who on Earth are you talking to love?

Ava: Also Sabre, when you read this never leave me alone with her like that again please. Without you there to be aggressive Juliet goes crazy, okay?

Hook:…Are all of you mad?


	10. Episode 10

~Wendy got off the boat twice~

John: Wendy!

Sabre: Woah! You all just say that right?

Juliet: What the hell? She just got off the boat twice!

Ava: I missed it. I was too busy wondering where they got a red bathrobe on Hooks ship…

Sabre: She just got off of Hooks ship twice. The first time she was just walking like a normal human being, then we cut to her brothers, and when we cut back she was back on the frigging ship having to run all over again.

Juliet: Are you magical?

Wendy: No.

Sabre: Tink, did you get that pixie dust working?

Tink: No.

Juliet: Did you walk backwards or something?

Wendy: No. What are you trying to say?

Ava: Maybe Pan switched bodies to her like he did with Henry.

Regina: Pan switched bodies with Henry and you didn't tell us.

Sabre: You're his mother and you couldn't tell something was off?

Emma: But if he is in Wendy-

Juliet Don't say that.

Rumple: Why? What's wrong?

Ava: A man, your father, trapped for centuries as a little boy on an island surrounded by boys has now taken over a girls body. I'm not even going to say more.

Michael: That's just sick.

Wendy: What are they talking about?

John: Nothing you need to hear Wendy.

~Tinkerbell~

`Tinkerbell is seen in a haze in the background`

Sabre: I don't believe!

Ava: What the hell is all of this about?

Juliet: Well last week Sabre was disappointed with the episode when she saw that there was barley any Tinkerbell in it. So I told her that if she believed Tinkerbell would show up in the episode. However, her reply was that she didn't believe.

Ava: So every time she sees Tink she is now going to say: 'I don't believe.'

Juliet: Pretty much!

Ava: But I thought that saying that kills fairies.

Tink: I'm technically not a fairy anymore.

Ava: I figured that it wasn't you she was aiming this at…Sabre, what are you trying to do?

`Sabre smirks evilly`

`Elsewhere in Storybrooke`

Gran: What's the matter, Blue?

Blue Fairy: I'm not sure. I just feel so horrible right now.

`Back in the shipyard`

Ava: Okay, this all makes sense now.

~Shut Up!~

Charming: What about the Honeymoon?

Sabre: Someone wants to get laid.

Ava: I'm with Snow on this one your whole kingdom is at stake.

Charming: By going after Regina you are giving her exactly what she wants.

Juliet: Yes, but your child will be taken from you soon if you don't do something about this.

Charming: It's just for a couple days. We can catch her another day.

Sabre: Do you hear yourself? You are willing to put off the safety of your newly won kingdom for sex…

Ava: Well they were just married…

Charming: Thank you!

Ava: And they are both Charming's now…

Charming: I take that back.

Ava: I think that this is actually one of the more realistic reasons for putting off the inevitable.

Sabre: Seriously.

Juliet: If you think about it they usually do it out of sheer stupidity.

Charming: Hey!

Sabre: This time he's just horny.

Ava: Priorities…

Snow: Do you mind?

~Dat Dress~

Juliet: By the way that is the ugliest dress I have ever seen.

Snow: Rude much?

Sabre: But it is so true. I mean when I picture a princess on her wedding day, this isn't really what I would imagine.

Juliet: No kidding. It looks like you killed Big Bird and bleached his feathers.

Snow: Big Bird? What's a big bird?

Ava: So you are saying that those feathers are fake now…

Charming: She didn't. Quit putting words in her mouth.

Juliet: We can't help it. It's just so ugly.

Charming: Like you know what true beauty looks like…

Sabre: Moreno making a touchdown.

Juliet: A bag of skittles.

Ava: A horror movie collection.

Charming: You are all so vain. You don't even know what love looks like.

Sabre: Moreno making a touchdown.

Juliet: A bag of skittles.

Ava: A horror movie collection.

Charming: You know what? I'm done trying.

~Oblivious~

Sabre: Does no one see Henry hanging out with Felix?

Ava: That's how he was kidnapped in the first place. No one was paying any attention to him.

Juliet: Poor Henry.

Ava: Don't forget its Pan now.

Juliet: Right!

Sabre: Does no one else realize that Felix is running fancy free at the moment?

Pan (Henry's Body): Guys, Felix is loose!

Ava: So they only notice when the teenage son says it.

Sabre: You know it sad when none of his family believed him about the curse, but the second there is one lost boy loose on the docks, holy shit we need to take care of that.

Juliet: They are all so stupid. They can't realize anything until it has been pointed out for them.

Sabre: Well they are Charmings…

Ava: Regina and Hook aren't. How do you account for that?

Sabre: Well Hook wants to get with a Charming which means he wants to become just as stupid.

Juliet: And Regina suffers from second hand Charming.

Ava: Now I feel a bit sorry for Regina.

Regina: Now you feel sorry for me. This whole time and only now you feel sorry.

Ava: Well we got rid of your bitch mother and you have a son who loves you. Stupid is incurable.

Sabre: Haha. Hash tag: You're a Charming…haha.

~Make up please~

Juliet: What is wrong with Felix's scar?

Ava: What do you mean?

Juliet: Well there are moments when Felix's scar is bright red and obvious as hell and then in other shots it looks old and damn near invisible. What is up with that?

Sabre: I don't think so. Then again you do have a prejudice against him right now anyhow.

Ava: Nah, I think that she is right.

Juliet: Thank you.

`Ava walks over to Felix and pokes his scar`

Ava: On TV it looks deeper than that.

Felix: Poke me again and I will give you one that goes even deeper.

Sabre: That's what she said.

Juliet: Don't say that! He and Pan are-

Ava: Juliet I have edited you once before and I will do it again let's not go there.

Juliet: But they-

Sabre: No.

`Juliet sighs and glares at Felix`

Juliet: I will know the truth!

~Wardrobe~

`In Gold's Shop`

Sabre: That's a nice tie.

Ava: He has a nice suit.

Juliet: He just gets all of the best clothes.

Ava: I know first the awesome leather chest piece.

Sabre: Now the awesome suits.

Juliet: He just makes everyone else in Storybrooke look second hand. Even Belle!

Rumple: I must ask that you refrain from speaking to Belle in that manner.

Ava: Just pointing out that you have best wardrobe amongst your fairytale peers.

Juliet: Whoever did your wardrobe needs to help Snow desperately. Have you seen her wedding dress?

Rumple: That would be the one covered in feathers correct?

Sabre: Yeah, that hideous one!

Rumple: Ah, Mother Goose what a fine bird she was…

….

Ava: I don't know whether I'm in shock or if I find that find that funny as all hell.

~Just want to talk~

`In the diner`

Neal: I just want some time to talk.

Juliet and Sabre: HAHAHAHAHA!

Neal: What is so funny?

Sabre: What the hell is up with that hand gesture you just did?

`Sabre tries to recreate the hand gesture by flailing her arms`

Juliet: It was like…

`Juliet does her own wild hand gestures`

Sabre: That just looked so stupid it was too funny.

Emma: I thought it was kind of cute…

Neal: Really?

Sabre: Of course it was kind of cute, you are a Charming. If he starts stuttering you'll probably think it's a turn on.

Ava: Sabre…

Sabre: What?

Ava: Watch yourself. The last thing I want is to be flamed because you want to make fun of how Charming's pick their spouses.

Sabre: But it's dumb!

Ava: Just warning you…

`Ava continues to sip her hot chocolate as Juliet discreetly snatches one of Gran's cinnamon buns`

Sabre: So she can take a cinnamon bun but if I want pickles I get a crossbow!

~Child Abuse~

`Neal goes to Henry and pushes him down into the seat`

Juliet: That's child abuse!

Ava: Not really, it's Pan in there after all.

Juliet: But they don't know that!

Sabre: If anything that just makes it funnier because Pan it totally suffering over there right now.

Juliet: You love kids and you are seriously letting this go on right now.

Ava: It's not Henry's soul and Pan can't act for shit. So yeah I don't care. Once they release the real Henry and abuse him I will have words…But then again Henry doesn't even really look like a kid anymore.

Sabre: What do you mean?

Ava: He just suddenly looks older, at the very least taller.

Juliet: Maybe the actor had a growth spurt.

Ava: Yeah your right.

`Sabre tries to take a cinnamon bun, but Gran slowly pulls out her crossbow`

Sabre: REALLY?!

~Snow White is back…or not~

`Snow picks up weapons`

Sabre: Yes the badass Snow is back!

`Snow leaps out window and we follow her`

Sabre: So what is your kickass plan to defeat the beast in the cave?

Snow: Kill it and take what I need.

Sabre: YEAH! This is the Snow that I love to see! Let's do this.

Ava: Sabre?

Sabre: What?

`Juliet points ahead`

Sabre: Aw fuck! What are you doing here?

Charming: I'm coming to join my wife.

Sabre: No! Please let her do this by herself Charming! She's tough enough. Or at least she was before she met you. Please let her do this.

Charming: Not a chance we do this together!

Sabre: Ungh! So close…

~Show Promotion~

`Henry's room`

Ava: Oh my god! Iron man and Thor comic books!

Sabre: The Avengers!

Juliet: Show promotion!

Ava: What?

Sabre: You know the Agents of Shield show the show on this channel.

Ava: Oh yeah. That!

Sabre: What do you mean: 'Oh yeah. That.' That show is awesome.

Ava: It's just not my thing.

Juliet: But you love Marvel!

Ava: I do!

Pan (Henry's Body): What is Marvel?

Juliet: Stay out of this ass hat. It's girl time.

Sabre: You need to watch this show.

Ava: No not really…

Juliet: Look at that! The show promotion is working!

Ava: Stupid corporate…

~Elixir~

`Rumple hands over Elixir`

Sabre: It can't be that easy after the big deal they made about Charming dying.

Juliet: And you aren't just magically part of the family. You still thought about killing Henry even after you learned he was your grandson.

Rumple: All part of the past now my dears. Water under the bridge as it were.

Ava: Bullshit. You are going to develop trust issues again before the next season so we can fight about the same things all over again.

Snow: No. Rumple's right we are all one big family now.

Juliet: Big and fucked up as hell, yes…

Ava: But you certainly aren't a happy family.

Charming: Oh and your family is all happy.

Ava…No. Congratulations, Charming you got me in my own poke at you. Where are we with that now, Sabre?

Sabre: Girls 67, Charming 1.

`Ava slowly sips her hot chocolate while smirking at Charming and Juliet eats her bagel`

Sabre: Seriously! WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN'T EAT FOOD AT THIS JOINT!

~Liar~

`Diner`

Sabre: Neal you are such a liar. You said you would be hungry at lunch. But you aren't eating anything.

Juliet: you are just sipping on coffee.

Sabre: He still lied to Emma.

Ava: Yep he sure did.

…..

Sabre: But um…if you want to order something could you get something with pickles on it. You know if you feel like it.

Neal: No thanks I'm fine.

Sabre: Are you absolutely sure? Not even just ordering a dill pickle.

Neal: Yes, thank you.

Sabre: Not even if-

Gran: Are you disturbing my customers?

`Gran is beside Sabre with her crossbow in hand and staring her down`

Sabre: I'm only disturbing them because I want to be a customer. WHY WON'T YOU SERVE ME?!

Ava: That's what the master said.

Sabre: Shut up!

~Doggie~

`On the beach with Emma and Charming`

Sabre: Look!

Charming: What?

Sabre: There is a dog on the beach behind you!

`Sabre leaves to go play with the dog`

Charming: This supposed to be an intense moment between me and my daughter would you guys mind pay attention to what's important.

Ava: Okay!

`Ava and Juliet leave to join Sabre to play with the dog`

Emma: Are we really that boring?

Charming: Apparently not they're coming back already.

`Girls trudge back disappointed`

Charming: Not as fun as you thought.

Sabre: No. Your screen shot changed and the dog disappeared.

Ava: And we were having so much fun!

Charming: You three are unbelievable.

Juliet: Why thank you!

~Follow the screams~

Sabre: Did you really not hear that?

Hook: Hear what?

Juliet: The scream.

Tink: What scream?

`Another scream`

Ava: That!

`Hook and Tink run outside and meet up with Emma and Charming`

Tink: Did you hear that?

Emma: Yeah.

Sabre: Good because these losers didn't.

`Another scream`

Ava: What are you all doing standing around?

Juliet: Go see who it is!

`Everyone runs towards the scream`

Sabre: Good to know that Henry's position as Captain Obvious can be filled.

~Death, Death~

Sabre: Is that the Blue Fairy being chased by Pan's shadow?

Juliet: Yes, yes it is!

Juliet & Sabre: DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!

Emma: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

`Blue Fairy's shadow is taken`

Juliet & Sabre: YEEEESSSSS!

`Ava claps happily from the sidelines`

Hook: She's dead mate.

Sabre: I have waited for this moment for so long…

Juliet: She totally deserved it!

Charming: How could you say that?

Ava: Because she totally deserved it. She took away Tinks wings and Pan took her shadow. It all works well from a karma perspective.

Sabre: Karma didn't just bite her in the ass, it devoured her!

Juliet: Now Tink can become the new head fairy.

Ava: And she won't mess with anyone's fairytales or happy endings.

Sabre: And she will give everyone the chance they will need to be happy.

Tink: but I need the Blue Fairy to get my wings back.

Ava: No you don't but if you really think so…

`Ava rolls the Blue Fairy over`

Emma: What are you doing?

Ava: Taking her wings!

Sabre: That counts as mutilation of a corpse.

Ava: Fairies don't count.

~Selective hearing~

Ava: Really, they didn't hear that?

Sabre: Who didn't hear what?

Ava: Hook and Tink were in the back of the diner when the first screams went out, but Neal and Snow were inside the actual diner, but Hook and Tink heard it first.

Juliet: That's an excellent point. Where are they?

Sabre: Gran should be out here to with her crossbow too.

Ava: And what about the dwarves?

Juliet: There are usually a couple of dwarves in Gran's at any given time so where are they?

Ava: Ruby even has wolf hearing so where the bloody hell is she?

Sabre: Maybe they saw Snow sitting in the booth and said 'oh, never mind.'

Ava: But what if it had been Cinderella?

Sabre: I would be pissed.

`We all turn around and jump`

Ava: When did all of you get here?

Sabre: Camera change.

Juliet: Well things need to stop appearing and disappearing when the screen shots change.

Ava: We still don't know what happened to the dog or the deer.

Sabre…Or the mermaid…

Ava: Have you checked Gold's shop? Lots of things show up there.

`Sabre grins wickedly`

~Damnit, Charming~

`Cave with Medusa`

Sabre: You know something, Charming, you need to leave like seriously.

Charming: I'm not leaving my wife.

Sabre: But she's cooler when you aren't around.

Charming: No.

Sabre: Can I kill him?

Snow: Don't even think about it!

Ava: Well Neverland tried and failed I think we are beginning to exhaust our options.

Juliet: I don't think anyone here can die so by all means feel free to try.

Charming: Could we leave them to be turned into stone?

Snow: Sure.

`Royal Couple try to run, but Medusa captures them`

Ava: If I cared about you as characters that might have hurt.

Juliet: do we need to get out of here?

`Ava stares down Medusa`

Ava: Nah the CGI in Clash of the Titans was better than this. I think were good.

`Sabre is watching the couple struggle`

Sabre: Come on. Die already!

Ava: Bloodthirsty are we?

~Happy Day~

`Charming is turned into stone`

Sabre: YEESSS! Your stone forever. You will never be laid again.

Ava: Did he die a virgin?

Juliet: Not likely.

Ava: It's unfortunate that we know he's going to get out of it.

Sabre: Aww. Noo!

Ava: Sorry, Sabre.

Sabre: Well at least the Honeymoon is ruined.

`Snow defeats Medusa`

Sabre: Now snow has reclaimed her rightful title of heroine- WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!

`Charming comes out from under stone spell`

Ava: Oh that is not how this works! He at least needs another spell or form of magic before he wakes up out of that. Killing Medusa isn't a cure all!

Sabre: I give up. There is no way that these people or the souls can be saved.

Juliet: This has suddenly taken a sad road. Well…at least the Blue Fairy is dead.

`Sabre smiles and we all cabbage patch our way out of the cave`

~Too Weird~

Henry (Pan's Body): Mom.

Juliet: Oh this is so weird.

Sabre: Yeah. Henry being trapped in his great grandfather's body does sound quite odd.

`Juliet shivers`

Ava: I'm more weirded out by the fact that no one hesitates to hug Henry. Aside from Rumple.

Juliet: I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want to hug the body of the person who has been trying to kill me for a whole season.

Ava: Of course we also have to adjust to the fact that Henry's body is now trying to kill everyone.

Sabre: The "angel" and the "devil" of this show have now switched bodies. This is going to be hard adjusting.

Juliet: They had better switch back soon. This is getting boring.

Sabre: I hear they are getting a new villain!

Ava: Who?

Sabre: Don't know, but I hope they're awesome. We also get Rupunzel for the next part too.

Juliet: New characters who have nothing to do with the Charming family tree thank goodness.

Ava: In all of this mix up mash up thing I feel like we might be forgetting someone.

Sabre: Like who?

`Elsewhere`

Pan (Henry's Body): That's why this was too easy.

`Back to town limit`

Ava: Nope can't think of it.

~Forgetting someone~

Ava: Oh I remember now. Nobody wanted to call Regina earlier and tell her that she was hosting Peter Pan.

Emma: Well we're trying now.

Sabre: Because it's totally working now.

`Emma looks away and tries her phone again`

Ava: This is the part in a horror movie where everyone gets chased.

Charming: It's almost Christmas and you are talking like it's Halloween.

Ava: It is always Halloween. You just play a Prince every year. Try something new every once in awhile.

Charming: I'm not playing.

Sabre: Could have fooled us.

Ava: Technically speaking you're a farmer. So you are in dress up all year so you don't really have room to talk back like that.

….

Ava: The new score?

Sabre: Girls 68, Charming 1.


	11. Episode 11

**So I finally finished sorry it took me a whole week. Finals sucked and I couldn't even start this thing until yesterday. Again thank you everyone for sticking with us through this! I hope reading this will make your day. Have Happy Holidays everyone! All of us will see you again in March!**

**Sincerely,**

**Ava, Sabre, and Juliet**

* * *

~Word Play~

Sabre: Haha…Pan said child's play and he is a child.

Pan (Henry's body): I'm hardly a child.

Juliet: Have you seen the body you're walking around in?

`Everyone looks at Pan`

Ava: That's not saying much with Henry's recent growth spurt he looks like he's fifteen.

Juliet: He's technically supposed to be twelve, right? Or is it eleven?

Sabre: That is child enough for me!

Pan (Henry's Body): It doesn't matter. Soon I will rule these imbeciles in the new Neverland.

Sabre: Well you're lacking major creativity. New Neverland? Really? Is the like New York? Or New Mexico? Please pick something else.

Ava: Will you be kidnapping little boys and bringing them here as well? Or do you think you have enough in New Neverland?

Pan (Henry's Body): I won't need any more Lost Boys in the New Neverland.

Ava: Yes because he has upgraded to women and we know from Felix that he prefers blondes. Emma you're in trouble.

Juliet: NO! NO! PLEASE DON'T! NO! THAT ISSO WRONG!

Pan (Henry's body): Once I am done with this curse I will be sure to come up with some form of torture explicitly for you three.

Sabre: There already is such a torture…

Felix: What would that be?

Ava, Sabre, and Juliet: Finals!

~Felix's Heart~

`Felix realizes that he is the last ingredient for Pan's curse`

Sabre: Felix you're sooo stupid.

Felix: I didn't know.

Sabre: Well it's pretty obvious. You even know what the last ingredient is.

Felix: I thought it was Rumple's heart.

Juliet: He gave up his son for immortality and centuries with a bunch of little boys. How in any way makes you think he gives a damn about his son.

Ava: Knew it! The one loop hole! There was no way that Pan loved anything on the island except for a devote follower.

Sabre: Are you sure you're still talking about Pan?

`Pan rips out Felix's heart`

Juliet: So Felix doesn't actually tie into anyone in anyway? He's just a throw away character for Pan's plot?

Pan (Henry's Body): Of course he was. You didn't think I actually loved him did you.

….

Ava: Now that can most certainly be taken the wrong way.

Juliet: Alright then. I'll just mark him down as Pan's gay lover.

Pan (Henry's Body): That is not what I meant.

Ava: It never is…but you still should watch how you say things.

Sabre: And it may help you in the long run if you stopped being evil.

~Exile~

`The Black Fairy's Wand`

Tink: Blue exiled the Dark Fairy.

Sabre: Of course she exiled someone else…

Ava: When you rack up her tally of good deeds with bad decisions what does it look like?

Juliet: Looks like the Blue Fairy was a selfish bigot who only cares about fairy dust.

Sabre: And a flying jellyfish who needs a breast reduction.

Ava: The room for sympathy in her soul would make Lord Voldemort jealous.

….

Sabre: Couldn't have said it better myself.

Tink: You shouldn't speak ill of the dead.

Ava: We like to tempt fate and we'll take our chances.

Charming: The Blue Fairy helped save Emma.

Juliet: There's one thing she did right, but she also lied about the tree only taking one. It could have taken Snow, but she lied to save herself.

Charming: She lied?

Sabre: Are you like the last one to know that bit of information?

`Heading out to find the wand`

Tink: Let me pay my respects to Blue.

Sabre: She exiled you!

Tink: She was still my friend.

Juliet: She stopped believing in you!

Tink…That's true…

Ava: I wish that part where you had killed her in a previous episode had actually happened.

Juliet: Ava, the fact that you imagined her exploding into Fairy dust would make up for the dust Tink used to help Regina!

Ava: Good times…

Juliet: But then it was wasted on Sabre!

Tink: Wasted?

Sabre: I DON'T BELIEVE!

Ava: Oh, yeah that…

Sabre: And on another note- YOU TWO!

`Snow and Charming look over`

Sabre: Stop making out while everyone is trying to stop Pan!

~What the Hell?~

Ava: Why can't he get in? Do the Fairies have some kind of barrier up around this place?

`Shadow gets in`

Ava: Who the fuck opened the window with a rogue shadow on the loose?

`Fairies run away in terror`

Sabre: Why is it making shrieking noises when we know it can talk?

Ava: With the glorious voice of Marilyn Manson!

Sabre: Oh…that all makes sense now.

`Shadow flies around angrily doing nothing impressive`

Charming: You girls need to hide behind something, quick.

Sabre: Like your impressive hiding spots behind some pews? Were good standing up in the center of the room thanks.

Ava: You know how they base time in jail on times committed? What does Pan's shadow get for killing a nun?

Sabre: I don't know…but I would imagine that it's not good.

Ava: Then again the nun was he Blue Fairy.

Sabre: YO! SHADOW! LET'S HANG AND YOU CAN TELL THE STORY OF HOW SAVED THE WORLD FROM THE FLYING JELLYFISH!

Tink: You shouldn't say that. The shadow is evil!

`More angry flying and wailing`

Ava: Have babysat a lot of kids, but this is by far the worst tantrum ever!

`Juliet shows up in Priest costume`

Juliet: The Power Of Christ Compels You!

Ava: HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sabre: Where the hell did you get that thing?

~The Jungle~

`Tink and Hook are hardcore flirting`

Sabre: What? What is going on here?

Juliet: So much flirting…

Hook: Then stop watching us.

`Hook hands her rum`

Ava: Now he gave her rum. He's going to drink her into his bed.

Sabre: Don't you mean Wendy's bed since she's the only one with one of those things on this island.

Juliet: Gross! Don't say that. It will do things to this twisted family tree!

Hook: Who's Wendy?

Ava: None of you business. Don't you have a Fairy to seduce?

Hook: Right you are, love.

`Hook ceases flirting and pours his heart out to the ex-fairy`

Juliet: Why does he do that to everyone he meets?

Ava: Flirts?

Hook: Are you feeling left out, love?

Juliet: No! He tells everyone his life story without any warrant for it; like it's supposed to help them connect to him. Does he not notice that they first associate him with a pirate and everyone will most likely think he's lying?

Sabre: Not if he's drunk…

Juliet: He's not drunk yet!

Hook: How would you know?

Juliet: He isn't playing with the crochet on Tink's shoulders like he did before.

Sabre: He was pretty drunk wasn't he?

Ava: As a skunk!

~Hook the Hero~

Juliet: Hook! Don't die! I will be very upset!

`He jumps up and shouts`

Ava: Don't do that…

`He gets knocked back 5 feet and slides`

Ava: Safe!

Juliet: Don't die!

`Ava looks over to Sabre jumping up and down on Blue's coffin`

Ava: If I cannot deface her corpse you cannot jump on her dead body.

Sabre: It's not an official crime. I can do what I want.

Ava: Couldn't you at least wait until she was properly buried?

Sabre: That would take way too long!

`Shadow continues rampage`

Hook: I think there are more important matters at the moment girls.

Sabre: No way. If I don't get to kill her in this series then I at least get to see if I can make her pop and see if she is full of fairy dust.

Tink: That's so wrong.

Juliet: Think of it as a donation to charity.

Ava: Does this make Tink the next head fairy?

Juliet: They should!

Hook: Sabre look out!

`Shadow flies through her and everyone is shocked`

Sabre: Haha! I have no soul!

`Continues jumping on corpse`

~Believe~

`Charming speaks with Tink`

Sabre: Yeah because a hand on the back fixes everything.

Juliet: What is it with this family placing hands on everyone's shoulder, face, or back fixes everything. They thought it would wake Henry up in Neverland.

Charming: I have no idea what you're talking about.

Sabre: That's because you weren't there to see your Grandson die.

Ava: They all think that they are Jesus.

Juliet: Except that they are all so stupid, and horribly dysfunctional.

Sabre: Maybe Charming is just very touchy feely.

Charming: I am right here, you know.

Ava: And it spread to his daughter, and their son in-law, and their worst nemesis.

Charming: Does it matter? Look, its working.

`Tinkerbell begins to glow`

Juliet: Now the dust magically works!

Ava: Of all the convenient plot twists…this is worse than the Phantom Menace.

Juliet: Believe!

Charming: See that's all she needed!

Ava: That can't be it. Unless she didn't really believe she was a strong independent woman…WHO FOUGHT OFF PAN ON A DAILY BASIS! MY GOD!

Sabre: I do not believe! But apparently she does.

~Harsh~

Juliet: She just burned it! I wasn't expecting that!

Sabre: Looks like we didn't need that priest outfit anyway.

Ava: But I love that movie…

Sabre: We are not turning this show into a horror flick for your amusement.

Tink: There! All better!

Juliet: That was so violent! This show rarely shows that much violence. She killed a living entity.

Ava: That's okay she's not one of the Jesus Charmings.

Sabre: That one joke was okay, but if you keep this up everyone will flame this.

Ava: Not the Rumple Jews! WHOO!

Juliet: Stop being offensive or I will flame you! YOU KNOW I WILL!

Sabre: We respect that you are agnostic, but one more joke and I will steal your computer and write this. Do you want that?

Ava: No.

Juliet: Then apologize!

Ava: I am sorry to all viewers who take their religions seriously and thought that I was offensive…but as for the rest of you people with a sense of humor and read the warning 'take lightly' give me a smiley face in the reviews!

Juliet and Sabre: AVA!

~Death Doesn't Exist~

`Blue fairy resurrected`

Juliet: NOOOO! You were supposed to be dead!

Ava: Come on!

Sabre: Goddamned Jelly Fish flies again!

Juliet: WHY?! WHY?! I DON'T UNDERSTAND! WHY?!

Tink: Blue, you're alright!

`Everyone pauses`

Blue: I feel terrible.

`Everyone looks at Sabre`

Sabre: I regret nothing.

Charming: You probably really hurt her.

Ava: Or at least her pride. I think you managed to deflate her boobs a little, Sabre.

Sabre: Really?

`Holds Blue Fairy in front of her and stares at her boobs`

Sabre: Yes! IN YOUR FACE!

`Sabre ensues victory dance`

Hook: They do look smaller.

`Everyone stare's at Hook`

Juliet: Both of you are horrible tonight!

Ava: We are still not as bad as you were those two weekends…

Sabre: Wait! If killing it resurrected whoever's shadow was taken doesn't that mean that someone is now trapped in Neverland forever?

`In Neverland`

Gregg: Hello? Anyone?

`At the church`

Ava: Sucks to be them…

~Just a little~

Blue: I may have been overly strict…

Sabre: Oh, really?

Blue: I am trying to apologize.

Juliet: And we are telling you to stick it up your ass!

Ava: Seriously what you did to Tink is not cool!

Blue: I did what I did to make her understand!

Sabre: Understand what? How much of a bitch you are? In that case it certainly worked.

Ava: You took away her wings and her life because you wanted to teach her a lesson?

Juliet: Sounds like jealousy to me!

Blue: Jealous? Why would I be jealous?

Sabre: First off Tink doesn't look like a flying blue jellyfish when she's in fairy mode.

Juliet: She also makes better use of pixie dust than you do.

Ava: And she actually tries to help people. Remind us why you are in charge again.

Blue: I'm the head fairy…I was chosen to watch over things!

Ava: That doesn't mean you get to bitch about it.

Sabre: Or use it as an excuse.

Juliet: Or allow you to mean to others.

Ava: Take it like a woman!

Sabre: Don't you mean like a man?

Ava: No because you have to account for those days of PMS.

Juliet: The only leeway we have for the Blue Fairy.

Sabre: Do Fairies even have periods?

~Where's my mummy?~

Sabre: Really? No one wants to stay long enough to see Pan dead, but when Rumple wants to stay Belle has to ask him to leave. How is any of this a good idea?

Snow: He's harmless now.

Ava: Pan was built up as one of the greatest villains of this series, but they want to leave him alone in Gold's shop with an assortment of magical items that could just as easily wipe them out in the wrong hands.

Juliet: Well they are Charmings.

Charming: Will you stop using that line?

Ava: But not all of them are Charmings which means they are all stupid.

Sabre: So the Charming disease has officially been proven contagious by this act of stupidity.

`Pan wakes up`

Pan: You must feel pretty comfortable. The way you strut and pose now that I'm powerless.

Sabre: 'The way you strut and pose.' Apparently, Gold is a lion.

Ava: The cowardly lion? Haha! It all makes so much sense now!

Rumple: I am not a coward. Not anymore!

Sabre: Oh no. What did Gold do to Dorothy then?

Juliet: I don't really care about Dorothy, but what about Toto?

`Pan continues with rant`

Pan: The curse will fill their lungs and they will be consumed…

Juliet: Gas masks! They need gas masks!

Sabre: Would it stop the Charming plague?

Juliet: Somehow I doubt it…

`Ava is wearing a gas mask`

Ava: Are you my mummy?

Pan: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!

~Rumple~

Ava: You are no longer a badass…

Juliet: Seriously, how dumb are you?

Ava: You are now a dumbass…

Sabre: If Gregg and Tamara had that as a weapon to use against you and was working for Pan in the first place then clearly Pan created it!

`Rumple gets thrown across the room`

Ava: We were supposed to be afraid of you throughout all of season one? Come on!

Sabre: Now I want to laugh at you with that annoying ass laugh from that first season. Heehee! It's all over now, dearie.

…..

Ava: Please never do that again.

Juliet: That was the scariest thing I have seen all day.

Sabre: What's wrong, dearie? Haahaa!

Rumple: I don't sound like that!

Juliet: Have you ever stopped and listened to yourself?

Ava: Please make it stop!

`Sabre chases them out of the shop trying to laugh like Rumple used to`

~Weird~

Ava: Henry's growth spurt makes flashbacks weird.

Juliet: Well it's hard to do when he gets older.

Ava: I know, but that growth spurt makes him look like he's fifteen. In the flashbacks he's only supposed to be 10.

Sabre: It's especially weird when all the other kid extras in background do look like they're ten.

Ava: Exactly!

Juliet: They can't help it. Circumstances…

Mary Margaret: Henry's just a child I don't understand what you are trying to say here.

Ava: That's okay Pan tried to play ignorant too.

`Henry opens book and looks at Mary Margret`

Sabre: He could have at least flashed back to a prettier dress.

Juliet: No kidding that thing still looks hideous 28 years later.

Snow: Stop making fun of my dress.

Sabre: Big bird was never in style to wear and never will be.

Ava: 28 years later…that should be the next big zombie flick. It will then become a trilogy.

…..

Snow: What?

Juliet: We are talking about dresses, feathers, and Snow White. How does any of that involve zombies?

Ava: …Went off on a tangent I guess.

Sabre: And then managed to jump the shark…

~Gross~

Juliet: Stop with the hand shots. That's just gross.

Ava: I knew they had some bad screen shots of Rumple when he had the gold paint on, but this is actually quite disturbing to look at.

Sabre: Here you have it folks. Ava, horror extraordinaire, is freaked out by Gold's hands with the gold body paint on.

Juliet: Have you looked at those things?

Sabre: Not really…

Ava: Well then take another look.

….

Sabre: Is…that hair…on his hands?

Juliet: Maybe…

Ava: I thought that it was the dead skin peeling off of him to get rid of the paint.

Juliet: Either way it's gross.

Rumple: Something wrong, dearies?

Ava: Just stop with hand shots, please.

Rumple: Whose hands? My hands?

`Rumple flashes his hands at us and we have to look away`

Juliet: Those are so gross!

Ava: Just wait another minute and the scene will change.

Sabre: Unless he plans on flashing us again.

Rumple: Haahaa!

Ava: Oh god…

Juliet: We're gonna die here…

~Disappointment~

Sabre: She didn't eat the curse…I'm disappointed.

Regina: What?

Ava: I doubt that curses are part of a balanced breakfast.

Juliet: Why did you expect her to eat it?

Sabre: I just wanted her too!

Ava: That's like saying you want chocolate to rain from the sky just because you want it to happen doesn't mean that it will.

Sabre: It worked for Tinkerbell!

Ava:…Touché…

Juliet: I have yet to see a movie where the said curse is eaten by the original caster.

Sabre: There is a first time for everything!

Regina: I'm not eating the curse…

Sabre: Come on, please! If I can't have the Blue Fairy dead then please eat the curse.

Regina: No, that's not how it works.

Sabre: Augh! Tink, can you believe and make her eat the curse?

Tink: It's like they said that's not how this works.

Sabre: Ugh!

….

Ava: I bet money that you're just really hunger right now.

Juliet: You would win.

Ava: Wanna go to Granny's?

Sabre: SHUT UP!

~Hand Play~

`Rumple picks up the sword`

Juliet: Don't cut off your hand!

Sabre: Chew off your hand, be a man!

Ava: Neither of your ideas are sound.

Juliet: There has to be another way!

Sabre: There is only one way.

Juliet: Don't do it!

Sabre: Do it!

Rumple: Will all of you SHUT UP! And let me think!

…..

`Rumple comes up with an idea and leaves the shop`

…..

Sabre: I don't know how much more disappointment I can take.

Juliet: I don't know what you were thinking, but I am certainly relieved.

Sabre: You were freaking out about his hand earlier I thought that you would love to see it go.

Ava: That was just with the paint on it and to be fair it did look horrendous.

Juliet: But there would have been blood and it would have been violent….and that's not how this show works!

Ava: But it might have made it better.

Sabre: Anything could have made this show better. If Charming ran someone through it would make this show better.

Juliet: What is wrong with you guys?

Ava: Says the woman who was depressed when the Blue Fairy lived.

Sabre: And someone thought you were going to throw Felix off the flying ship. Don't talk to us about violence young lady.

~Fail~

`Pan freezes everyone`

Sabre: Everyone here sucks at standing still…

Juliet: I thought Pan was supposed to be weakening…Wasn't he dying earlier?

Ava: Was the camera department unable to take a still frame picture of the characters in those positions and repaste them to the shot?

Juliet: Be fair to the show they keep losing viewers and that means that they are losing money and funding.

Sabre: And we all know the reason behind it!

`Everyone looks at Charming`

Ava: It's funny because he can't retort while he's horribly pretending to be frozen.

Sabre: What if a big wind came and blew everyone over? WHAT IF THE BIG BAD WOLF CAME AND BLEW THEM OVER?! DO IT!

Juliet: Sadly there are no more wolves in Storybrooke.

Ava: Red flew the coop for another TV show.

Sabre: Why are they getting rid of all the strong female protagonists? It's annoying.

Juliet: I bet she just wanted to get out of those revealing outfits that she had to wear for the show.

Ava: Those were hardly revealing. She didn't dress like a Victoria Secret model on the runway. Then we can talk revealing.

Sabre: They are frozen in the middle of town and no one sees this?

Ava: I know. There are plenty of cars moving in the background.

Juliet: It's because after season two, everyone doesn't care what happens to their king, or queen, or princess, or young prince.

Ava: No kidding who are they expecting to rule when they get home if they let their royalty do all of the dangerous stunts and possibly die?

Juliet: Mickey Mouse?

Pan: It will be me!

Ava: Definitely Walt Disney!

~Continuity~

Juliet: Oh my god! Wait…that dagger isn't long enough to do that…

Ava: That's why it's called a dagger. If you want to run someone through you generally need a sword. A dagger is made for only one death per use.

Pan: We can start over.

Sabre: And how did that go last time?

Ava: It looks like death and destruction to me.

Rumple: Bad guys don't get happy endings.

Juliet: How are both of them still talking? They have a dagger run through both of their chests…supposedly.

Ava: Well it can't go through the vertebrae column and less you have dead accurate aim and make it through the plates, but I would imagine that a dagger wouldn't make it that far. So that leaves the only conclusion that he managed to stick it in Pan's lungs and through Pan's rib cage to kill himself.

Sabre: What I don't get it that he killed plenty of soldiers with the dagger after her first got his powers. Would it be so hard to kill Pan and just walk away?

Juliet: This episode is unusually violent and it needs to create some drama so they have to find away to kill him.

Ava: There should be blood leaking out of Pan's mouth. And Rumple's for that matter.

Sabre: Sorry to burst your blood bubble there, science woman, but there is magic here and therefore acts as a loophole to anything resembling fact.

Juliet: Unless it fits the plot of course.

Ava: But it would make the scene more dramatic.

~180~

`Regina keeps zoning out`

`Sabre and Juliet snap their fingers in front of her to try and wake her up`

Sabre: Hello? Is anyone home?

Juliet: Why does she keep doing that?

Ava: There must be something hard for her to do up ahead. She's trying to put off the inevitable by making sad and distant faces at the camera.

Snow: No she isn't.

Sabre: If only that worked with Chemistry.

`Sabre holds up online Chem. homework and makes a sad, distant face`

Hook: What is Chemistry?

Ava: Don't ask.

Juliet: Now you just look silly.

Ava: But is it working?

Sabre: No.

Ava: Damn.

Regina: I have to give up what I love most.

Ava: Suits.

Regina: No.

Juliet: Apples.

Regina: No.

Sabre: What Regina loves most? Henry, you are going to die.

Regina: No, he's not going to die. I just have to leave him behind.

Ava: There is more than one version of being left behind, Sabre.

Sabre: Nope. There is only LEFT FOR DEAD.

Ava: That is a fun game.

Juliet: Monsters?

Ava: Zombies!

Juliet Figures…

Hook: What in Poseidon's name is a zombie?

Ava: So glad you asked-

Juliet: No! No! No more violence or death.

Sabre: Take the fun out of everything…

~Curses~

Sabre: This curse is taking way too long to get here!

Ava: Not kidding. Pan gathered all of the ingredients last night and threw them into the well early that morning, but we are nearing the end of the day when it finally makes it to town.

….

Juliet: You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout I'm telling you why: SANTA CLAUSE IS COMING TO TOWN!

…..

Ava: Normally I would scream 'STOP IT'. But quite frankly I could use a little holiday cheer.

Sabre: That sucks for Storybrooke children. They get all excited for Christmas, and then their parents don't celebrate because the curse is coming.

Ava: Are you imagining crying children?

Sabre: …No…

Juliet: That's so sad.

Ava: I imagine Henry and Emma when you say that.

Snow: You need to believe in yourself Emma.

Sabre: I DON'T BELIEVE!

Juliet: There aren't any fairies around here.

Ava: Emma isn't a fairy.

….

Sabre: I still don't believe…

Regina: I believe your mermaid is still missing.

…

…

Sabre: FUCK YOU!

~My goodness~

`Everyone is gathered to say goodbye at the town lines`

Juliet: THIS IS SO HEARTBREAKING!

Sabre: There are way too many emotional scenes here. Get on with it!

Ava: This is the emotional climax of the midseason finale. They have to play it for all it's worth.

Regina: I can give you a future.

Juliet: I CAN'T TAKE THIS!

Ava: I can't…umm…you win, Regina.

Regina: What?

Ava: I thought that maybe you would revert back to your evil and diabolical self and that I wouldn't have to do this, but you're alright, Regina. Keep…keep being good, alright?

`Everyone is speechless`

Sabre: Ava has finally given in to the fact that Regina has changed. Good for you.

Regina: It's about time.

`Ava pouts for being wrong`

Snow: We will always love you.

Sabre: Yeah, yeah. Get on with it.

Juliet: SO MUCH FEELS!

Snow: Don't rush us. These are our last moments with our daughter.

Sabre: Yeah, yeah.

Ava: That curse is taking way too long!

Sabre: You just want it to come so you will be out of this awkward position you are in.

Ava: Shut up.

`Gran is hugging Juliet`

Juliet: THIS IS SO SAD!

~Hook?~

Ava: What the fuck?! That was not who I was expecting despite how much sense that makes.

Hook: Love, we need you.

Sabre: That is one sweet alarm clock! I want it!

`Sabre runs over and begins to steal said alarm clock`

Henry: Hey, that's ours!

Sabre: Mine, now.

Juliet: Better just let her take it. You'll live longer.

`Emma knees Hook after he kisses her`

Juliet and Sabre: Ooohhh. That had to hurt.

Ava: HAHAHAHAHA!

Juliet: That man got kneed in his jewels. Have you no compassion?

Ava: I have compassion, but my sense of humor is king at this point.

Sabre: Wouldn't it have been awkward if it had been a little girl coming to say I'm your daughter?

Ava: That makes me wonder how Emma got pregnant in an all women prison.

Juliet: Maybe it would be Henry's twin?

Ava: Another fifteen year old pretending to be thirteen or something like that.

Henry: I have a twin sister.

Emma: No you don't.

Sabre: It just got all Star Wars up in here.

Juliet: That makes Emma Darth Vader!

Ava: HAHAHAHAHA!


End file.
